Sunday, 25 August 2013

Keith Lemon – Keith Lemon’s Fit

As with many of the celebrities whose workouts are featured here, I am unfamiliar with Lemon’s television work. I understand that he has hosted a game show called Celebrity Juice and has made a film so presumably he’s doing alright for himself. He is also the power behind a charity called Lemonaid which he mentions on the DVD.
Contact them now. Lemon is almost slightly sure that’s the right web address.

For this workout, Lemon is joined by Deanne Berry who is best known for appearing as a fitness instructor in Eric Prydz’s ‘Call on Me’ music video and popular masturbation aid. Aside from the occasional ‘Punching –in-Face’ or ‘Exposing-Erect-Penis’ incident, the pair seem to have pretty good chemistry.

The workout sections include a warm up, Hi Energy, Combat, Balls on the Floor, Shake Yer Booty and Berry’s innovative swimming pool based routine – Wetercise.

Balls on the Floor

Throughout the workouts Lemon uses a revolutionary device called a Keith Kam to provide a POV perspective and allow us to see Deanne’s signature moves up close. He is at great pains to point out to Deanne and the other girls that it’s not just about getting minge shots. Which goes to show how new both of them are to the Celebrity Workout DVD. Most of the DVDs we’ve covered have probably included a dedicated ‘Minge Cameraman’ on the team in order to ensure that we are never more than 5 minutes away from a woman’s gyrating pelvis.

Arses as well as minge. The Keith Kam is nothing if not versatile.

As well as the workouts, Lemon provides plenty of useful DVD extras including a visit to a laughter therapist and a makeover sessions with his highly informative stylist, Arabella.
“So what’s going to happen here?”
“I’m gonna give him some clothes and he’s gonna try them on.”

Overall I think Lemon provides some common sense to the flibbertigibbet world of Celebrity workouts. Most celebs shout out “You’re looking good!” by way of encouragement. Only Lemon has the foresight to add “Well, I don’t know that ’cos I can’t actually see ya.”Likewise the disclaimer at the start of the workout is much more useful than the usual nonsense.

Lemon also includes a video diary of his week in getting in shape before making the DVD. It includes the more swingball action than all the other fitness DVDs put together.


Best Bit
Oh you know how I am about music on Celebrity workout DVDs. The minute I detect a plinky plonky soundtrack, I want to go and punch an orphan in the face. No worries about that here. Lemon’s mate’s band provide the music. Live on set!

“They nearly went in for the X-Factor. But they didn’t go in for it.”
Worst Bit
Well the tension between Lemon and Berry can get a bit much sometimes. No-one needs the upset of seeing Berry storming out over a penis-based misunderstanding. As Lemon says “Most women like to look at my penis. I’ve got a really nice penis. It’s right smooth like a dolphin’s beak.” They do get it sorted out though after he tells her that he’s more sorry “than Ronan Keating where he wrote that song where he said that he was sorry and that’s all he could say but he said more things, I know, because it was a full song.”
Not porn

Apparently, Berry was 76% angry with Lemon that the workout has become a soft porn debacle.  Lemon replies that he knows what soft porn is but doesn’t know what a debacle means. I’m bringing it up because I wanted to mention the word ‘porn’ as often as possible for Search Engine Optimisation purposes.  ‘Porn’ is the eighth most popular search term that leads people to CLCW, you know. Jordan’s pinktastic workout led to me repeatedly saying the word like I was suffering from a bout of oddly specific Tourettes.
Also not porn

Hi guys! While I appreciate that CLCW might not be exactly what you ‘porn’ searchers are after, it’s nice to have you all here, anyway. Sorry about your mum putting parental controls on your laptop. Here’s a picture of Deanne Berry’s arse:
Similar to porn. Still not porn though.

Difficulty Level
Although few of us can dare to aspire to have a body like Lemon’s – Berry describes it as a ‘natural dancer’s body’ - this DVD does attempt to penetrate the mysteries of exercise so that they can be understood by scum like us. Lemon’s best tip concerns speed walking where he advises us to walk as though we have a pickled onion clenched between our butt cheeks that we don’t want to drop.

He also recommends jumping over your sofa three times a day for great cardio.

Would I do this Workout again?
It’s a possibility. Particularly if I want to brush up on my swingball technique or gain some more insight into how to “Run a lamp post. Walk a lamp post.”

Run a lamp post

Walk a lamp post.
Run a lamp post
Walk a lamp post.
Shit. Another lamp post.

Sunday, 18 August 2013

Camilla Dallerup – Camilla’s Cardiodance Workout

Strictly Come Dancing and Celebrity Workout DVDs are frequent bedfellows. Probably not just bedfellows. More likely frequent, enthusiastic, downright kinky sex buddies.

You couldn’t throw a brick at a Strictly Come Dancing Reunion All-You-Can-Eat buffet lunch without bruising half a dozen C-List Celebrity Workout alumni. Particularly if Gabby Logan, Penny Lancaster, JessieWallace, Natalie Cassidy, Ali Bastion and Fern Britton were all clustered round the chocolate fondue a comfortable brick-hefting distance away.

Camilla in her day job

It stands to reason that if the galumphing celeb contestants can release a dancercise workout then the Strictly Come Dancing professionals must be eminently qualified to instruct and inform us humble plebs. I reviewed ‘Strictly Come Fit Dance Dancey Fit Dance’ some months ago which featured three of the pro dancers. In this DVD, Camilla Dallerup is flying solo. I would continue the sex analogy but we all know how that’s going to end up.

Camilla and her former partner Brendan Cole represented Great Britain in 2007’s Eurovision Dance Contest, incidentally. What do you mean you didn’t know there was a Eurovision Dance contest? You know people like you are the reason it got cancelled after only 2 years due to a “serious lack of interest”.
Britain’s representatives from left to right:  Dane, New Zealander.

Sections on this DVD include a Warm Up,  – which Camilla delightfully pronounces “Worm Up” throughout –Jive Kick Calorie Burner, Booty Blitz and Latin Combat. “Who says you can’t dance and punch at the same time?” asks the DVD blurb. I don’t think anyone’s ever said you can’t to be honest. I’m not sure anyone’s really felt the need. There’s a section called “Core Fusion” which trainer Steve Richardson gets to be in charge of. Because Camilla doesn’t want to be the bad guy, presumably.

Don't mess with the Steve

The workout is a bit light on DVD extras. We barely even get an introduction before we’re plunged into the Worm Up. I’ve clearly been spoiled by other celebrities. A workout just doesn’t feel complete these days unless it’s accompanied by a poorly explained diet plan, a ‘making of’ documentary and some in-depth interviews with a celebrity, their trainer, the chief sound engineer and the lady who designed the leg warmers.

And the lady who does Camilla's hair, of course.

Best Bit
Camilla has an uncanny resemblance to Kylie Minogue. If Neighbours ever want to bring Charlene back without waiting for Minogue to find a window in her calendar, then Camilla would be the very girl to play her. I have no idea if Camilla can act but I am pretty certain that isn’t one of the criteria for getting a part in Neighbours. They could explain her Danish accent by saying that Charlene had a stroke and woke up speaking with a different accent because that’s an actual thing


Worst Bit
Tiffany is the “Watch if you want the easy version” member of Camilla’s dance troupe. It would seem that the easy way to do Camilla’s dance moves is to always keep your arms by your side like you’re performing Riverdance. It doesn’t help a great deal to be honest.

Difficulty Level
At the beginning of the Jive Kick Calorie Burner section, Camilla says “We’ve got some jive moves in here and a bit of twist. So you probably know a lot of the dance steps already.” I fear she may have massively over-estimated my dance expertise.

The dance workouts aren’t hard to do, particularly, but they do involve a lot of quick changes between moves that Camilla expects you to recognise even though I’m sure they don’t exist anywhere outside this DVD. “And now, Charleston Run!” That’s not a thing, Camilla! You just made that up.

Particularly favoured by the gentlemen, that one.

Would I do this workout again?
I doubt it. I mean, sure Camilla, you showed me the magical world of Latino dancing combined with boxing but I feel that just isn’t enough for me any more. I want to mix new types of dance and violence. Salsa stabbing, for instance. Or Baroque beheading.
This looks promising.

Thursday, 1 August 2013

We're all going on a Summer Holiday!

The staff at C-List Celebrity Workouts are off on their annual Summer Holiday and will be back on 18th August. Yes, you'll have to wait until then for the next offering of Fitness Instruction brought to you by someone whose talents lie entirely elsewhere. Assuming they have any talent at all, that is.

So where are we off to? The exotic, sun-soaked stairs of The Miami?
Or the Fitness Instructor-owned ecotourism resorts of Jamaica?
Or the technicolor seashores of Florida?

Well none of them - we'll be in Venice. But I don't have a corresponding workout just yet. Perhaps Francesco Borgato - Venice's most famous pop star - will film a dance workout filmed by the Grand Canal.

That would certainly be a dream come true for everyone.