A new year, a new set
of resolutions and the return of C-List Celebrity Workout. It’s been a while, I
grant you, and while this might not be entirely
worth the wait, it certainly is a
C-List celebrity working out. And that, quite frankly, is all you can really expect.
Jessie Wallace is best known for her portrayal of Kat Moon
(nee Slater) in Eastenders. I say best known, I’m not sure your average man in
the street would be able to think of anything else she’s been in?
The DVD cover shows our celeb looking toned and happy beside
the almost obligatory paparazzi shot where she’s wearing a swimsuit looking a
bit saggy.
Jess has got no time at all for her old fat self. “Just a
few months ago, I looked like this.” she tells us before doing the most
enormous eyeroll. “Urggh! What a state! I was fat and out of shape.”
I can’t stress enough how much disgust she manages to convey
in that “Urggh!”
She then goes on to tell us how she’d ‘ballooned’ to a size
14, explains that merely looking at a picture of herself from 2 months ago, causes
her to be violently physically sick and then proposes that all fat people
should be rounded up as a kindness to the rest of us and either forced to do
Jessie’s Look at Me Now workout or shot. It’s possible some of this was cut for
length.
The video appears to
be set in an abandoned warehouse primarily used by criminal gangs to hide stolen
Neon signs. There’s a massive neon “Me” behind Jessie throughout her workout. I
presume the police arrived before the thieves could make off with the “Look”,
“At” and “Now” ones.
There are also some massive lights and some tea-making stuff
in the background by the looks of it so it’s possible the whole thing is
supposed to be backstage on the Eastenders set. IMDB and Wikipedia both refuse
to acknowledge this DVD’s existence, let alone give me comprehensive filming
locations. I’ll either have to create www.CLCWDB.com
or just make shit up.
Jess assures us that her diet and exercise plan are “Not a
fad thing and not a passing craze.” I’m not sure it’s the celeb’s job to decide
that. I don’t think this workout was any kind of craze back in 2009,
even a fleeting one.
The workout consists of Warm-Up, Full Body Workout,
Boxercise, ‘Legs, Bums, Arms and Abs’ and a Cool Down.
Jessie’s trainer is Paul Ellis, a buff, tattooed, mumbly
sort of chap who doesn’t seem over the moon to be there but is prepared to put
in a decent days work. In the Warm Up we get our first view of Jessie’s comedy
marching which is marvellous sight to behold. At one point Jessie affects what
I presume is supposed to be a breathy Marilyn Monroe voice and says “I call
this one the Booty Booter?” Eh? Booter?
The Boxercise session was the most fun. It’s always pleasing
to do a workout while imagining you’re taking part in a barroom brawl. There’s one exercise where you simulate
grabbing someone by the ears and then breaking their nose with your knee. Mostly
it’s just pretending to punch people in the face. And step to the left. Punch!
Step to the right. Knife to the kidneys! And rest.
There are a pretty varied bunch of exercise on this DVD and
the instructions are straightforward enough. Jessie was quite excitable at
times but not Barbara Windosr levels of crazy. She performed the advanced
workout while Paul was the go-to guy for beginners. The camera sticks to Jessie
pretty closely for a lot of the workouts making following Paul’s instructions a
little tricky. Some of the beginner’s exercises could have involved reading the
paper and eating ginger biscuits. I have no idea.
I did all the workouts in the workout section and the whole
thing took about an hour. There was a “Killer Abs” workout in the Special Features
section fronted single-handedly by Paul the trainer. Does Jessie even know this
is on here? I skipped this as I am a woman of principal who refuses to do any
exercise not endorsed by a celebrity. My abs will simply have to remain
non-lethal.
Best Bit
There are proper songs being played during these workouts!
With actual lyrics. Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” and “Poker Face” are included. I’m
not a massive Lady Gaga fan, to be honest, but I was hugely excited that it
wasn’t just plinky-plonky lift music again. You know what should happen,
though? A Lady Gaga workout video with Jessie Wallace doing the music. Who
wouldn’t pay good money for 60 minutes of this sort of thing:
In the ‘Interview; section, Jessie discusses how she was
inspired to spread the love and joy of her fitness regime to the world.
Basically she was approached by Acme Personal Trainers Inc who asked her if she
would like to get a bit fit and then release a celebrity workout DVD. It’s that
blatant. She isn’t even pretending that this something she happened to be doing
anyway before she hit upon the happy notion of flogging a DVD in time for Christmas.
I know this is the way the world works but I feel a bit let down. The magic’s
been destroyed. Another tiny piece of my
faith in humanity has crumbled away like when my parents lied to me about
taking Tiny Tears to the Doll Hospital.
Why did you stomp on my dreams Jessie?
Difficulty Level
You know I think I was OK with this one. I was following the
easy version but I was generally lunging and punching and marching as
instructed. I got out of breath in an encouraging rather than scary way and
no-one tried to embroil me in a complicated dance routine.
I have to take issue with the lunges though. Paul was very
insistent that I not let my knee overshoot my toes. I’m not sure he and Jessie
were playing by the same rules.
Would I do this Workout again?
You know what? It’s a new year, a new start and I’m being
all positive about things. So why don’t we assume I will.
Honestly, this is my new favorite blog... thanks for all the reviews and insights!
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