Linda Barker is a celebrity Interior Designer. She is most famous for TV Series “Changing Rooms” in which two neighbours would perform a makeover of one another’s living rooms. This usually involved building some shit out of MDF and gluing bits of fabric to the wall. I don’t know about you but that’s the sort of essential qualification I look for when sourcing a yoga instructor.
If you are
wondering what drew Linda to yoga, on the back of the DVD box there is the
following credit: “Candles from Linda Barker’s range from Arran Aromatics”. This
probably explains the existence this workout DVD. She has to shift those
candles somehow.
Inside the mind of Linda Barker
Barker
starts the workout by introducing us to her trainer Izzi Valenti from the
British Wheel of Yoga. Now don’t get too fond of Izzi – that is all you are
going to see of her. From then on, Linda Barker is on her own. Although to be
fair there is both Voiceover-Linda and Yogaing-Linda so it feels like we’ve got
a double act.
The first
section is “Lying Postures”. Voiceover-Linda encourages us to relax and then
asks “How do you feel right now?”
I’m very well, thanks, Linda. Nice of you to ask.
She then
gets us to visit each part of our body and to encourage the mind and body to
unite before asking “What’s going on in your mind right now?”
Well funny, you
should ask that Linda. I’m actually lying here trying to think of something to say
about your yoga workout for CLCW.
“Acknowledge
any thoughts and then decide – quite consciously – for the hour or so, all
thoughts can be left aside.”
Well that’s a nice
idea, but if I do that I won’t have anything to write up, do you see? And then
where will be? In a world bereft of a shiny new CLCW write-up that’s where.
“You will be
absolutely absorbed in your yoga
practise. Centred, Focused, Non-Judgemental and in the present moment”
Woah. Hold on
there, Linda. Non-Judgemental? How the hell’s that going to work? I think we
may have to re-think the parameters of our relationship.
I was quite conflicted at this point
There are
eight different sections on this DVD – Warms Up, Lying Postures, Sitting Postures,
Standing Postures, Kneeling Postures, Breathing Exercises, Sun Sequence and Moon
Sequence.
Mostly it’s
lovely. You stretch and bend and centre your breathing and do that standing on
one leg thing like on the front of the Wii Fit box.
Or the Tree
Pose as it’s more properly known.
“Think of
the quality of your tree” Linda said soothingly at which point I lost my
balance. It’s fair to say my tree is not a high quality tree.
This is my tree.
She then
complicated it by saying, “On your next inhalation, raise your buttocks to the
first floor”. Wait a minute. If my body is lying on the ground floor, what are
my buttocks doing going up to the first floor? Are they travelling independently?
Am I supposed to be imagining that my buttocks have broken free the tyranny of
the rest of my body and decided to strike out on their own?
I suspect
that Linda really wanted to imagine that my whole body was the four-story building
and my buttocks were a sort of arse elevator free to stop of the first, second,
third or fourth floor as directed. In which case she should have said so in the
first place and not just expected my arse to change character mid-way through
the exercise.
Best Bit
The
exercises were clear and easy to understand even if they weren’t easy to do. (I
maintain that nobody can do the plank. Any video evidence to the contrary is
just cunning computer trickery. Like Pixar movies. Or the Moon Landing.)
Voiceover-Linda’s voice is soothing and calming to listen to. Which is odd because
Yogaing-Linda’s is a bit irritating.
Worst Bit
I didn’t see
those damn candles anywhere. I assume they were in the Moon Sequence bit because
that was at night but those things in the front are fire bowls not candles and
those look like lights in the background. Where are they? I had been looking
forward to them ever since I read about them on the back of the box. I can’t
even go on the website to check what I should be looking for as the DVD was
made 10 years ago. The Arran Aromatics web page doesn’t mention Linda Barker so
there was presumably an almighty feud of some sort and now the descendents of
Arran and the descendents of Barker are sworn enemies.
These are not candles!
Difficulty
Level
Linda doesn’t
use the word ‘difficult’, she uses the word ‘strong’. When she tells you the
next one is ‘a strong pose’ you know some serious shit is going down.
Would I do
this work out again?
I really do
like Yoga. There’s a lot of emphasis on stretching and feeling content which is
the sort of workout my cat would approve of. I like the ridiculously difficult
poses as well (apart from the plank) and who knows, one day I may even manage
to do one. Of course I’m all hyped up on yoga at the moment so it might just be
the positive energy talking.
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