Tracy Anderson – The Tracy Anderson Method Mat Workout

Tracy Anderson is a fitness instructor to the stars.  And I’m not talking British Lawnmower Museum “Lawnmowers of the Rich and Famous” levels of stardom here.

Vanessa Feltz, Alan Titchmarsh, Some bloke with brown hair...

Tracy trains Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth even appears on the DVD extras for this workout.  Gwyneth clearly believes the best way of promoting a fitness DVD is to tell us that after doing it, she “literally couldn’t walk for three days!” and that doing the Standing Arms section of this workout meant that she couldn’t pick up her children the next day.

“Sorry I’m going to have to put you down now, honey. Mummy’s just too fit for this sort of thing.”

Eh? Is that a good thing? Because while I understand that feeling some stiffness after a workout might be encouraged, being literally incapacitated sounds like a bad thing. I’m not convinced you should be recommending that.

“Can’t ... move. Too ... stiff ... ”

When she’s not incapacitating A-listers, Tracy likes to share her fitness methods with us common people. In her introduction, she tells us that we are all shaped differently: “The good news is that it is completely possible to re-engineer your muscular structure any way you want.”

I can re-engineer my muscular structure any way I want? Fantastic. Can I be an ichthyocentaur? That would be cool.

Part man. Part horse. Part fish. All awesome.

Her main mission is to make us all teeny tiny. It’s a strangely specific ambition that she keeps repeating throughout the workout. Like she doesn’t just want to slim us down, she wants to actually shrink us. Maybe Tracy was 6’8” when she started this.

When she first started teaching this method in her exercise classes “everybody’s arms became teeny tiny and cute.” Which could be a worrying development if you weren’t expecting it.

It’s what happened to this guy.

Tracy’s certainly teeny tiny all over now. It’s a bit like receiving fitness instruction from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

When Gwynnie’s not using Tracy, she just pops her in her handbag.

I am a bit puzzled why this is called the “Mat Workout” as only 2 of the 9 sections actually take place on a mat. That’s only 22% per cent of the workout. I’m sure most workouts achieve a higher percentage than that and don’t even feature “mat” in the title.

No matter. It’s actually a great workout. You know, if you enjoy pain and suffering. And you’re clearly in great company if you do.

“Christ, Madge is about to start one of her tedious Qabala anecdotes.  Pretend to be busy.”

Worst Bit

There’s a distractingly high level of pouting on show throughout this DVD. It’s like doing a workout with a teenager's Facebook page.

Best Bit

I actually rather loved this. Or at least the small amounts that I could manage before keeling over in pain and lying on the floor twitching in pain like a walrus with its flipper stuck in a toaster.

There was a lot of stretching and bending and a generally Pilates-esque feel to the whole thing. I enjoyed the sedate, controlled feel to the excruciating agony. No one was making me charge about like a mad thing.

Difficulty Level

This is a crazy difficult workout. Not least because there’s no “Follow Geoff if you want the easy moves” option here. You can’t bend over, place your hands on the floor and then walk your arms forward three paces? Well, screw you lightweight. You better sort yourself out.

The arm workout looks like a few airy fairy floaty arm moves and is actually insanely painful. It better have done me some good because, you know, I don’t think I am going to be able to pick Gwyneth Paltrow’s children up tomorrow, either.

Hey Gwyneth, you were totally right about the arms. 

Me and Paltrow agree on so much.

Would I do this Workout Again?

I think I will. Not the “at least 6 times a week” that Tracy recommends because I am not a crazy. But at some point in the future, almost probably. And with that kind of killer attitude, I expect to look like this in no time:

Linda Barker - Simple Yoga

Linda Barker is a celebrity Interior Designer. She is most famous for TV Series “Changing Rooms” in which two neighbours would perform a makeover of one another’s living rooms. This usually involved building some shit out of MDF and gluing bits of fabric to the wall. I don’t know about you but that’s the sort of essential qualification I look for when sourcing a yoga instructor.

 

If you are wondering what drew Linda to yoga, on the back of the DVD box there is the following credit: “Candles from Linda Barker’s range from Arran Aromatics”. This probably explains the existence this workout DVD. She has to shift those candles somehow.

 

Inside the mind of Linda Barker

 

Barker starts the workout by introducing us to her trainer Izzi Valenti from the British Wheel of Yoga. Now don’t get too fond of Izzi – that is all you are going to see of her. From then on, Linda Barker is on her own. Although to be fair there is both Voiceover-Linda and Yogaing-Linda so it feels like we’ve got a double act.

 

Don't get too comfy there, Izzi. Your bus is in ten minutes.

 

The first section is “Lying Postures”. Voiceover-Linda encourages us to relax and then asks “How do you feel right now?”

 

I’m very well, thanks, Linda. Nice of you to ask.

 

She then gets us to visit each part of our body and to encourage the mind and body to unite before asking “What’s going on in your mind right now?”

 

Well funny, you should ask that Linda. I’m actually lying here trying to think of something to say about your yoga workout for CLCW.

 

“Acknowledge any thoughts and then decide – quite consciously – for the hour or so, all thoughts can be left aside.”

 

Well that’s a nice idea, but if I do that I won’t have anything to write up, do you see? And then where will be? In a world bereft of a shiny new CLCW write-up that’s where.

 

“You will be absolutely absorbed in  your yoga practise. Centred, Focused, Non-Judgemental and in the present moment”

 

Woah. Hold on there, Linda. Non-Judgemental? How the hell’s that going to work? I think we may have to re-think the parameters of our relationship.

 

I was quite conflicted at this point

 

 

There are eight different sections on this DVD – Warms Up, Lying Postures, Sitting Postures, Standing Postures, Kneeling Postures, Breathing Exercises, Sun Sequence and Moon Sequence.

 

Mostly it’s lovely. You stretch and bend and centre your breathing and do that standing on one leg thing like on the front of the Wii Fit box.

 

Or the Tree Pose as it’s more properly known.

 

“Think of the quality of your tree” Linda said soothingly at which point I lost my balance. It’s fair to say my tree is not a high quality tree.

 

This is my tree.

 

 Sometimes the instructions were a little confusing. For one exercise we were instructed to lie on our backs with our knees bent. Linda said “Imagine your body is on the ground floor of a four storey block”. Which was fair enough. If there’s one thing I’m good at while lying on the floor it’s imagining I’m lying on the floor in slightly – but not completely – different circumstances.

 

She then complicated it by saying, “On your next inhalation, raise your buttocks to the first floor”. Wait a minute. If my body is lying on the ground floor, what are my buttocks doing going up to the first floor? Are they travelling independently? Am I supposed to be imagining that my buttocks have broken free the tyranny of the rest of my body and decided to strike out on their own?

 

I suspect that Linda really wanted to imagine that my whole body was the four-story building and my buttocks were a sort of arse elevator free to stop of the first, second, third or fourth floor as directed. In which case she should have said so in the first place and not just expected my arse to change character mid-way through the exercise.

 

Best Bit

The exercises were clear and easy to understand even if they weren’t easy to do. (I maintain that nobody can do the plank. Any video evidence to the contrary is just cunning computer trickery. Like Pixar movies. Or the Moon Landing.) Voiceover-Linda’s voice is soothing and calming to listen to. Which is odd because Yogaing-Linda’s is a bit irritating.

 

Worst Bit

I didn’t see those damn candles anywhere. I assume they were in the Moon Sequence bit because that was at night but those things in the front are fire bowls not candles and those look like lights in the background. Where are they? I had been looking forward to them ever since I read about them on the back of the box. I can’t even go on the website to check what I should be looking for as the DVD was made 10 years ago. The Arran Aromatics web page doesn’t mention Linda Barker so there was presumably an almighty feud of some sort and now the descendents of Arran and the descendents of Barker are sworn enemies.

 

These are not candles!

 

Difficulty Level

Linda doesn’t use the word ‘difficult’, she uses the word ‘strong’. When she tells you the next one is ‘a strong pose’ you know some serious shit is going down.

 

Would I do this work out again?

I really do like Yoga. There’s a lot of emphasis on stretching and feeling content which is the sort of workout my cat would approve of. I like the ridiculously difficult poses as well (apart from the plank) and who knows, one day I may even manage to do one. Of course I’m all hyped up on yoga at the moment so it might just be the positive energy talking.

Geri Halliwell – Geri Yoga

This is the first of two yoga workout DVDs by Geri Halliwell - pop sensation, novelist, UN ambassador and, most significantly, former ginger person.

Her yoga instructor is Katy Appleton who radiates calmness and serenity to such a concentrated degree that I suspect she’s hypnotising us all through the television screen. It is entirely possible that she made me deposit large sums of money into her bank account and I have no memory of it at all.


Do just as I tell you and everything will be fine.

They are also joined by Tina. Tina is Katy’s silent sidekick. I was going to include a Jay and Silent Bob reference here but after reading every Jay quote on IMDB, I’ve realised that there’s not one thing that’s repeatable. I’m trying to keep this blog PG or at least relatively free of sweary bestiality and incest references. Tina’s role, incidentally, is to show us the easier versions of the yoga moves. They mostly keep her hidden at the back.

Geri talks rubbish throughout, of course, telling us about her grandmother’s varicose veins, how she feels fizzy and fuzzy and that it’s OK to have love handles. I’ve decided there’s probably no point in complaining about celebrities wittering on in their workout DVDs. Presumably when people buy celeb workouts it’s because they want to hang out with that particular celebrity. (Unless like me they just plan to mock). People who follow Halliwell or Windsor or Humperdinck or whoever and read about them in “Heat” and watch them on “Daybreak’ would be pretty disappointed to buy a workout DVD where the celeb was entirely mute. The banter is part of what you pay for.


The whole thing for your delectation.

As far as the workout itself goes, yoga seems great and interesting and fun and everything. I’m not sure it’s something you can learn from a DVD, though. It’s certainly not something you can learn from this DVD. We are told that this workout is suitable for anyone and yet a certain amount of knowledge on our part seems to be assumed. We’re just glibly told to adopt “the child pose” for example. Obviously, we can see what it involves by watching Geri and Silent Tina but a bit of instruction wouldn’t have gone amiss.

A problem I’m going to have with reviewing a new Celebrity workout DVD each week is following the instructions on the television while trying to do the workout itself. Even Michelle and Dax’s patiently explained floor stretches last week almost resulted in a cricked neck while I tried to watch what they were doing while simultaneously keeping my back and shoulders straight.

This is an especial problem with Geri Yoga. So many of the moves seem to involve me facing down on the floor and/or having my eyes closed. This can make following instructions on a DVD that bit trickier. I kept finding myself with my face squished into the carpet hearing Katy tell me to “then move your arms back like so”.
“Back like what, Katy?” I’d ask. Or more accurately, “Bmmph lkmmmph wmmph Ktmmph?”

Difficulty Level.
4 out of 5.
Oh, this was insanely difficult. Or rather 70% of this was fine and easy and involved keeping still and breathing and being aware of your feet and stuff. The other 30% was hard. And this is based on what Silent Tina (our Follow-Her-If-You’re-A-Beginner lady) was doing. Geri was standing on her own head, sticking her feet behind her ears, yogic flying and, quite possibly, moving her left ear and right ear independently of one another. I didn’t attempt to go there.


Beginner Level Moves from Silent Tina

Weirdest Bit
Geri has a totally different idea of yoga dress code to Katy and Tina. While the others favour baggy trousers and vest tops, Geri goes for the “Looking like I left the house in my underwear” style of workout wear. I understand that Geri is proud of the way she looks. And sometimes, we’re told, “skin on skin” helps to maintain a pose. Geri’s showing an awful lot of skin though. I hate to be a prude about these things but there was rather more inner thigh on view than I was entirely comfortable with.

Just ignore the folded up woman behind me.

Worst Bit
The Music. Seriously, I’m 3 workouts in and every one of them has had the same sort of plinky-plonky lift music. You know in Sims 1, where if your Sim bought a radio they could choose to play “jazz” or “pop” or “easy listening” and they all sounded like “dee dee dum dum de der [repeat]”. That’s what all of these workout DVD have sounded like so far. Gyms and aquarobic classes in real life always play proper pop tunes. I appreciate that buying the rights to a bunch of pop songs for your DVD is probably prohibitively expensive compared to getting some guy to spend two hours composing kerplunketty keyboard sounds. Geri’s a pop singer though. I hope nobody bought this DVD hoping they were going to bend and stretch and pretend to be a tree to “Lift me Up” or “2 becomes 1”.

Best Bit
The Cool Down. On so many levels.

The first time I listened to it, straight after doing the exercise, I kept my eyes closed throughout. It was lovely. “My [insert body part] is relaxed” Katy would tell me to tell myself, and lo, it was so. She’s a witch, I tell you. Burn her.

Then I watched it again for the purposes of the blog – eyes open this time. It’s even more amazing with the visuals. And not just because everyone’s put a jumper on. I love Geri’s massive cream fleece paired with her pair of black pants and nothing else.

But that not even close to being the best bit...

DOG!!

How pretty is he? And how relaxed. The little dude’s on the back of the DVD but no other mention is made of him. I love how he’s chilling out with Geri (who I’m guessing is his live-in lady) and her crew. Look...


DOG!!

I haven’t been scoring the DVDs overall. Maybe I should. Geri would get top marks just because of Buster here.

Would I do this again?
Well no, probably not this yoga DVD. But I’ll probably do yoga of some sort again so that’s something.