Mel B – Totally Fit

Who remembers the mid to late 1990s? What a crazy heady time that was. Post classical neo-feminist empowerment was in the air and the world embraced Girl Power. Not to mention spicing up our lives and really, really wanting to zigazig ha.

Hi Ci Ya, hold tight, sisters.

The Spice Girls ruled supreme in every corner of our lives. We ate Spice Girls crisps, drank Spice Girls Pepsi, laughed, cried and grew damn near hysterical watching the Spiceworld movie.

Weird thing is, this is just what all of them threw on that morning. The Pepsi photoshoot was pure coincidence.

Quite frankly, if you weren’t decked out in a Union Jack minidress, doing backflips and persuading your dad to cover your bedroom walls in Spice Girls wallpaper then you were doing the 1990s wrong.

It didn’t last of course. It couldn’t. Something that beautiful couldn’t exist in this world forever. Geri Halliwell left the group 1998 and the rest of the girls went their separate ways in 2000. But the universe remained a better place for having once having had the Spice Girls in it.

Afterwards, the Queen was like “Oh my god, they actually spoke to me! It was so cool.”

The girls went on to their new solo lives and mostly released songs that nobody  really remembers.

Mel B here (Scary Spice as was) seems to have devoted herself to appearing  as a judge on all the significant TV talent shows – Dancing with the stars, Australia’s  X-Factor, America’s Got Talent. If it’s got one of those fancy judges desks and isn’t in the UK then apparently, she’s all over it.

She released this workout DVD in 2008. You know how celebs usually get their trainer to do all the work? Not our Mel. She doesn’t need some professional bellowing out instructions. She’s more than capable of doing her own bellowing. That’s girl power for you. The Spice Girls made that sort of thing possible, of course. Women weren’t allowed to host their own fitness DVDs before “Viva Forever” was released. Or vote, probably.

Just look at the empowerment on display.

Mel does her workout in front of some very pretty in LA, accompanied by four backing exercisers. I don’t really know what purpose they serve as they are all doing exactly the same moves as Mel. Still, I’m sure Mel was happy to have them there. They probably all re-enacted the ‘Wannabe’ music video during their downtime.

"If you wanna be my lover, you better get with my friends."

Speaking of ‘Wannabe’, I looked up the lyrics to Mel and Geri’s rapping bit earlier because it occurred to me that I don’t really know what they’re saying. I think it’s fair to say that I have considerably less idea what they’re going on about now I’ve read the lyrics.

What? I mean seriously, what?

Mel provides a lot of helpful instruction and advice throughout the workout. You may well miss it though because it’s interspersed with Mel just shouting out any old rubbish which pops into her head. “Suck it in! Suck it in, brothers and sisters! This is crazy stuff! The sweat’s dripping down my back! Working OUT!”

On and on and on it goes. It’s quite impressive really. If Mel’s heavy breathing is anything to go by, then she’s seriously puffed out for most of this workout and yet she still manages to give us a word-by-word update of her stream of consciousness.

That’s just the Spice Girls all over, though. Going the extra mile. You wouldn’t get that sort of commitment from B*witched.

Best Bit

Ah Melanie, Melanie, Melanie. It’s like you heard you heard my frequent complaints in the last few weeks about the rubbish diet plans that get included in Celeb workouts and decided to remedy this by nipping back in time and presenting a properly put together nutrition segment five years ago. Thanks mate. I appreciate it.

That's egg white mashed with turkey on the plate. Mmm.

Worst Bit.

This isn’t Mel’s fault but I have realised that with Mel B’s Totally Fit and Geri Halliwell’s yoga stuff, I have exhausted the supply of Spice Girls who have released Celebrity Workout DVDs.  This is the band who set new benchmarks in product promotion, advertising deals and shameless over-exposure. Why have only two fifths of them exploited the most obvious celebrity cash-in opportunity available? Pull your fingers out, Sporty, Baby and Posh. I want to see workout DVDs in the shops from each of you by Christmas 2014.

Pictured: Impressive levels of shamelessness

Difficulty.

This was relentless and exhausting. And pretty much impossible as far as I was concerned.  Mel clearly likes to push herself to the limit. My limits are so much lower.

I found this one easier if you just kept your whole body on the ground.

She’d be a terrifying personal trainer. “On the floor! No stopping! No resting! Don’t even think about what’s going on! Just do it!” she barks.

Because clearly she hates me and she wants me to suffer.

Would I do this workout again?

Given that I probably managed about 10% of the exercises included in the ten million sections on this DVD, I suppose I probably ought to. I would hate for Mel B to find out that I didn’t. I have a feeling she might hunt me down and I am not sure I could handle the relentless bellowing.

You do not mess with this woman. She's ... ooh, what's the word?

Cher – A New Attitude

Cher was the 1980s. It was ALL about her. Oh sure there might have been a few other things happening – the occasional war here, the odd nuclear meltdown there. Some royals got married. But that was merely a footnote to whatever Cher was doing at the time. Ask anyone.

Cher first became known in authentically black and white 1960s when she used to duet with Gerard Depardieu singing the song from Groundhog Day. 

She kept herself busy doing TV work in the 1970s but it was all treading water, really. She was just biding her time until she could Mega-Cher it to the max eighties-stylee. She starred in righteous and schweet movies like Mask, Witches of Eastwick and Moonstruck. And she released some bodacious records. Any woman who listened to a Cher 1980s power ballad became emancipated just from the radiation alone.

Shit's about to go down, witches.

Her video for “If I could turn back time” was apparently the first music video to be banned by MTV. There’s no untoward behaviour in the video, save for Cher nicking a sailor’s hat and sitting astride a cannon in a manner that is in no way suggestive. I imagine that the decision to ban the video was entirely based on her outfit. 

Is anyone else feeling a breeze?

This seems a tad harsh. Perhaps wearing what appears to be a sheer body stocking with a couple of bits of gaffer tape for modesty may be a trifle risqué. But let’s face it, who hasn’t left the house to meet some sailors in a tearing hurry absent-mindedly forgetting they had only got half-way through putting on their BDSM Dominatrix outfit? I know I certainly have.

Cher continues to be awesome here in the 21^st century. Mostly by being crazy as fuck on Twitter.  Do you want fanatical rants, non-sequiturs, a totally disregard for punctuation marks and EVERYTHING IN CAPITALS? Of course you do. This is Twitter we’re talking about. Following Cher will make you very happy indeed. It’s like Cher has distilled the very essence of Twitter and has made novelty cocktails out of it.

These were literally Cher's last five tweets at the time I wrote this review.

This workout video was released by Cher in 1991. Cher introduces it by saying “Have I got a gift for you ... It’s a present of my own personal workout programme.”

Thanks, Cher. I appreciate the gift, I really do. I mean, I was dropping hints about some new socks but the workout’s lovely. It’s just that – and I don’t want to sound ungrateful here – did you have to dial down the crazy quite so much?

Because if there is one thing I want from Cher it’s a devil-may-care attitude to normalcy.

Gold battle bikini, for example is an acceptable level of crazy.

Don’t get me wrong, in some ways she delivers admirably. Her outfit for the Step Workout is a thing of wondrousness. She looks like a cross between a Wild West prostitute and a Goth in babydoll pyjamas. You know Helena Bonham’s outfit in Tim Burton’s version of Sweeney Todd? Imagine an extra scene where her character gets the bottom half of her outfit ripped off after accidentally trapping it in a carriage door. And then does a fitness workout.

That aside, it is a very sensibly put together programme. There are three sections: ‘Step Workout’, ‘Healthy Back and Abdominals’ and ‘Hips, Bottoms and Thighs’. Cher is joined by her personal trainer, Keli Roberts and they deliver a workout which is comprehensive, well-explained and nicely challenging.

Things were a lot blurrier in the early 90s

It’s all very disappointing. I don’t want to know that Cher’s exercise regime consists of doing steps, squats, stretches and aerobics. Before I watched this, if you’d asked me how I thought Cher kept in shape I would have hazarded a guess that it was a combination of python wrestling, cat burglary and vigorous perverted sex.

Thanks for ruining the magic, Cher. Great gift.

Best Bit

The music is just fantastic. There’s everything from Dusty Springfield to Billy Idol. At one point Cher says to Keli “Stop talking! I love this song.” Brilliantly, the song in question is Cher’s own “Love and Understanding.”

Face it, she just knows how awesome she is.

Difficulty Level

Cher herself says “This programme is challenging. It’s not impossible but it’s challenging.” And she’s not wrong. Especially if by ‘challenging’ you mean ‘unbelievably hard work.’

Luckily Cher also says “You don’t have to start out perfect. You just have to start.” I was about as far from perfect as it is possible to be. I hope Cher would have been proud of me.

Cher throws down a challenge.

Would I do this workout again?

This workout is currently only available on VHS so I have to go through a bit of logistical nightmare if I want to watch it. Unplug stuff. Plug in other stuff. Rewind the fricking tape. You can appreciate my problem.

Ideally Cher should re-release her workouts on DVD. Better yet, she should release a brand new one. She is just about to release a new album and she still looks absolutely fantastic.

Go on, Cher. Only this time forget all the stuff with the sit-ups and muscle stretches. Show us how you really do it.

This sort of thing, perhaps.

Barbie - Dance Workout with Barbie

I know what you are going to say : “Are you shitting me? How the buggering fuck is Barbie a C-List celebrity, you whoremongering imbecile? Barbie is clearly a fucking A List celebrity if ever there was one.” And you’re right, CLCW reader. You’re harsh and you swear way too much but you’re right.

Barbie is probably the biggest celebrity there is. Except maybe the Queen. And until her Maj decides to release a “Right Royal Workout DVD” this is the starriest workout we’ve featured here.
Barbie has starred in 25 films tackling roles as diverse as Clara in the Nutcracker and Odette in Swan Lake as well as delivering a stunning performance in Toy Story 3.

The Many Faces of Barbie

 She played both the princess and the pauper in an imaginative retelling of the Mark Twain classic story which boldly reinterpreted the slums and political machinations of sixteenth century Britain as a magical fairyland full of pink glitter and wisecracking animals. Which is how Twain would have written it in the first place if he’d been any good.

 

See, this is how you put a story together

 

On top of her successful film career, she is also a certified pilot, ballerina, veterinarian, primary school teacher, computer programmer and member of the Starship Enterprise. Actually, forget what I said earlier about the Queen. She’s got nothing on Barbie. Frankly, I think we’re putting the wrong woman’s head on the stamps.

At some point in 1992, Barbie took time out from cheerleading, working at SeaWorld , training as a palaeontologist or whatever else she was doing released a dance workout video.

 

The video is also fronted by Barbie’s friend, Kim Breux. Well she says ‘friend’. Clearly Kim’s not in Barbie’s league at all but Barb’s a giver. She looks out for the little people. Not physically little in comparison with Barbie, obviously. Giant people.

I am choosing to believe that Kim Breux's surname is pronounced ‘Bro’ because I am saying it that way in my head. In Barney Stinson’s voice

I think Kim may have been a formative influence on Stephanie from Lazy Town who seems to have adopted her perky pink style and relentless enthusiasm as her own. The shiny, shiny leotard that Kim sports does rather make it look as though she is concealing a penis which is unfortunate. Unless of course she does have a penis in which case it’s grand and I fully support her decision to wear tight dancewear.

 

 

I was originally concerned that Barbie might pull a ‘Pussycat Dolls’ on us and rather than feature in the video, merely content herself with lending her brand to the exercise. But no! Barbie is on hand throughout the workout to demonstrate the Street Tap and the Sidewalk Strut

She doesn’t quite have the flexibility that she demonstrates nine years later dancing the Pas de Deux in the Nutcracker but what she lacks in believable animation, she more than makes up for in joie de vivre and awesome legwarmers.

 

As well as Kim, there are a herd of perky American tweens demonstrating the dance moves. They’re the sort of uber-confident little stage-school brats that I would have instinctively hated as a 9 year old. There a ‘freestyle’ section of the dance where everyone is encouraged to express themselves however they want and the dancers can’t help but fall into step with one another. The producers may have misjudged the desirability of ‘doing your own thing’ to girls of this age. Conformity is everything.

Perkiest of all the little princesses is ‘Love’ who bops around next to Kim and wears a look of such deranged enthusiasm that she appears to be tripping.

Turns out that Love is Jennifer Love Hewitt, star of ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ and ‘The Ghost Whisperer’ and author of the seminal discourse on relationships: “The Day I Shot Cupid”.

The workout also features Jennifer Fenton who went on to appear in an episode of Baywatch 4 years later and Arike Rice who has 7 films in her IMDB listing including The Rum Diary as “dancer” and Hairspray as a member of the dance group the Dynamites. She also appeared as “Club Dancer” in Centre Stage: Turn it Up and “Casino Dancer” in Viva Laughlin. Which proves Barbie can spot dancing talent when she sees it.

 

Although she leaves the bulk of the work to Kim, Barbie is constantly on hand with encouragement. “Great job, everybody!” she says, “You’re wonderful!” and most importantly, “You’re doing fine if you can still say “I’m OK””.

Which is a handy maxim for life. Barbie knows about these things. She’s probably a trained Cognitive Behavioural Therapist.

Best Bit
Jennifer Love Hewitt was also responsible for the songs on this video which are a bunch of perky little upbeat numbers which encourage you to don your leotard and bright pink legwarmers and start doing the Barbie Basic. The best move was the Hoppy Bunny. Who doesn’t love a good hop?

Worst Bit

There you are bopping along to Love’s singing and soaking up Barbie’s feelgood spirit like an emotional vampire then suddenly – Bam! – it’s all over. The workout is only 30 minutes long. There are no sections, no separate cool down session, not even a costume change which is something I always look forward to on a C List celebrity workout. Barbie’s costume changes would have been fabulous. I don’t believe for a minute that the woman only has one keep fit outfit.

Of course she doesn't

Difficulty Level

While this wasn’t the hardest dance workout I’ve done, it wasn’t exactly a breeze. I think the manufacturers of this workout were relying on girls in the 6 to 11 bracket relentlessly watching the video over and over again until their moves were perfect and their manic grins were permanently etched on their faces.

Would I do this Workout again?

You know I would but I’m not sure I’m going to have the time. Watching this has made realise the gaping holes in my Barbie film knowledge. Would you believe I’ve not seen one of the Fairytopia oeuvre? Not to mention my shocking lack of understanding of the themes of Barbie: Princess Charm School. If Barbie can take the trouble to become a United States Navy Petty Officer and an Ambassador for World Peace, the very least I can do is fully apprise myself of the extent of her contribution to the arts.

Pussycat Dolls Workout

The first indication that there’s something amiss with the Pussycat Dolls workout is the sticker on the front of the DVD which says “Featuring Nicola Scherzinger”. A cursory amount of research reveals that Nicola Scherzinger is the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls. Why is she merely ‘featuring’ on her own DVD?

It’s because – and this may shock you, gentle reader, the Pussycat Dolls workout doesn’t have the actual Pussycat Dolls in it!

Actual Pussycat Dolls

 

 

 Not Actual Pussycat Dolls

 

The Workout is fronted by Robin Antin, creator of the Pussycat Dolls who is joined by Jersey, Jenny and Jamie from the Pussycat Lounge Review and ‘special guest star’ Christina from Girlicious which is, apparently a real band.

It turns out that the Pussycat Dolls are not merely a pop group. They are also a burlesque review, a nightclub and quite possibly a range of pro-biotic yogurts. All created by the scarily toned & sculpted Robin Antin. I imagine this took place in a lab somewhere in much the same way Professor Utonium created the Powerpuff girls.

In fact to hear Antin talk about her ‘journey’ in the DVD extras, it appears she invented the whole concept of attractive women moving around in time to music altogether. This elicited much delight and amazement amongst her celebrity friends. You know cool famous people? So does Antin. ALL the cool famous people.

From top left: Johnny Depp, Scarlet Johansson, Gwen Stefani, Christina Aguilera, Christina Applegate, Fergie, Carmen Electra and  Charlize Theron. All BFFs of Robin and namedropped in the DVD extras.

These people are literally always going for pub lunches together and borrowing one another’s lawnmowers.

Nicole Scherzinger does put in an appearance, as promised, in the Buttons performance segment. The DVD is divided into Warm Up, Don’t Cha Breakdown, Don’t Cha Dance, Burlesque Breakdown, Burlesque Dance Workout Buttons Breakdown, Buttons Dance Workout and Cool Down

I'm worried about Nicole's outfit here.

It looks like she's got the gusset from her tights caught on her bra.

In the Breakdown sessions we’re taught a series of dance moves which we then all perform together. Antin asks invites us all to unleash our Inner Pussycat Doll as we perform their “Sassy but Classy” signature moves. “That was amazing everyone! I am so proud of you” Antin exclaims at the end of one of the workouts. It’s almost like she couldn’t see my terrible dancing through the TV screen at all.

Difficulty Level
Well, I still can’t dance. But as far as a strenuous workouts go, this one isn’t. And my threshold for “strenuous” is very low indeed.

Stepping back and forwards, flicking your hair and slapping your arse from time to time doesn’t burn many calories or use muscles you wouldn’t otherwise be using in your daily routine (especially if your daily routine involves a lot of arse slapping.) This pace gets picked up a bit in some of the numbers with some high kicks and some jumping up and down but you might as well just try energetically doing the hovering while wiggling your bum a lot and it would probably have much the same effect.

The girls rock the “Dressing As Characters From The Board Game Cluedo” look.
I like that Robin sees herself as Mrs White.

Weirdest Bit

Antin really does have favourites amongst her girls. For most of the workouts Christina is her golden girl and gets called upon to show the rest of the class how good her stretches, bends and arse aerobics are. “Have you got this? I know Christina’s got this!” yells Antin. As soon as Nicole Scherzinger shows up, though, poor Christina is relegated to the back and Antin’s focuses exclusively on her new Head Cheerleader. It must cause a lot of tension. I’ve changed my mind about wanting to go on a picnic with Antin and her celebrity friends now. I’m not sure I could handle the stress of watching Johnny Depp being played off against Christina Aguilera.

Would I do this workout again?

No. I’m not sure who it’s for really. Although anyone with an appreciation of a well-formed female bottom will find something of interest here.

There's a lot of this sort of thing

 

Overall, I think the ideal audience is 13 year old girls at sleepovers. They can fit the dance routines in between making friendship bracelets and eating Pringles.

When I grow up, I wanna see the world

Drive nice cars, I wanna have boobies

 

I just hope they won’t be too disappointed that the actual band isn’t in it. Still, who knows, if they manage to release enough of their Inner Pussycat Doll, they could end up starring in the next one.

Geri Halliwell – Geri Yoga

This is the first of two yoga workout DVDs by Geri Halliwell - pop sensation, novelist, UN ambassador and, most significantly, former ginger person.

Her yoga instructor is Katy Appleton who radiates calmness and serenity to such a concentrated degree that I suspect she’s hypnotising us all through the television screen. It is entirely possible that she made me deposit large sums of money into her bank account and I have no memory of it at all.


Do just as I tell you and everything will be fine.

They are also joined by Tina. Tina is Katy’s silent sidekick. I was going to include a Jay and Silent Bob reference here but after reading every Jay quote on IMDB, I’ve realised that there’s not one thing that’s repeatable. I’m trying to keep this blog PG or at least relatively free of sweary bestiality and incest references. Tina’s role, incidentally, is to show us the easier versions of the yoga moves. They mostly keep her hidden at the back.

Geri talks rubbish throughout, of course, telling us about her grandmother’s varicose veins, how she feels fizzy and fuzzy and that it’s OK to have love handles. I’ve decided there’s probably no point in complaining about celebrities wittering on in their workout DVDs. Presumably when people buy celeb workouts it’s because they want to hang out with that particular celebrity. (Unless like me they just plan to mock). People who follow Halliwell or Windsor or Humperdinck or whoever and read about them in “Heat” and watch them on “Daybreak’ would be pretty disappointed to buy a workout DVD where the celeb was entirely mute. The banter is part of what you pay for.


The whole thing for your delectation.

As far as the workout itself goes, yoga seems great and interesting and fun and everything. I’m not sure it’s something you can learn from a DVD, though. It’s certainly not something you can learn from this DVD. We are told that this workout is suitable for anyone and yet a certain amount of knowledge on our part seems to be assumed. We’re just glibly told to adopt “the child pose” for example. Obviously, we can see what it involves by watching Geri and Silent Tina but a bit of instruction wouldn’t have gone amiss.

A problem I’m going to have with reviewing a new Celebrity workout DVD each week is following the instructions on the television while trying to do the workout itself. Even Michelle and Dax’s patiently explained floor stretches last week almost resulted in a cricked neck while I tried to watch what they were doing while simultaneously keeping my back and shoulders straight.

This is an especial problem with Geri Yoga. So many of the moves seem to involve me facing down on the floor and/or having my eyes closed. This can make following instructions on a DVD that bit trickier. I kept finding myself with my face squished into the carpet hearing Katy tell me to “then move your arms back like so”.
“Back like what, Katy?” I’d ask. Or more accurately, “Bmmph lkmmmph wmmph Ktmmph?”

Difficulty Level.
4 out of 5.
Oh, this was insanely difficult. Or rather 70% of this was fine and easy and involved keeping still and breathing and being aware of your feet and stuff. The other 30% was hard. And this is based on what Silent Tina (our Follow-Her-If-You’re-A-Beginner lady) was doing. Geri was standing on her own head, sticking her feet behind her ears, yogic flying and, quite possibly, moving her left ear and right ear independently of one another. I didn’t attempt to go there.


Beginner Level Moves from Silent Tina

Weirdest Bit
Geri has a totally different idea of yoga dress code to Katy and Tina. While the others favour baggy trousers and vest tops, Geri goes for the “Looking like I left the house in my underwear” style of workout wear. I understand that Geri is proud of the way she looks. And sometimes, we’re told, “skin on skin” helps to maintain a pose. Geri’s showing an awful lot of skin though. I hate to be a prude about these things but there was rather more inner thigh on view than I was entirely comfortable with.

Just ignore the folded up woman behind me.

Worst Bit
The Music. Seriously, I’m 3 workouts in and every one of them has had the same sort of plinky-plonky lift music. You know in Sims 1, where if your Sim bought a radio they could choose to play “jazz” or “pop” or “easy listening” and they all sounded like “dee dee dum dum de der [repeat]”. That’s what all of these workout DVD have sounded like so far. Gyms and aquarobic classes in real life always play proper pop tunes. I appreciate that buying the rights to a bunch of pop songs for your DVD is probably prohibitively expensive compared to getting some guy to spend two hours composing kerplunketty keyboard sounds. Geri’s a pop singer though. I hope nobody bought this DVD hoping they were going to bend and stretch and pretend to be a tree to “Lift me Up” or “2 becomes 1”.

Best Bit
The Cool Down. On so many levels.

The first time I listened to it, straight after doing the exercise, I kept my eyes closed throughout. It was lovely. “My [insert body part] is relaxed” Katy would tell me to tell myself, and lo, it was so. She’s a witch, I tell you. Burn her.

Then I watched it again for the purposes of the blog – eyes open this time. It’s even more amazing with the visuals. And not just because everyone’s put a jumper on. I love Geri’s massive cream fleece paired with her pair of black pants and nothing else.

But that not even close to being the best bit...

DOG!!

How pretty is he? And how relaxed. The little dude’s on the back of the DVD but no other mention is made of him. I love how he’s chilling out with Geri (who I’m guessing is his live-in lady) and her crew. Look...


DOG!!

I haven’t been scoring the DVDs overall. Maybe I should. Geri would get top marks just because of Buster here.

Would I do this again?
Well no, probably not this yoga DVD. But I’ll probably do yoga of some sort again so that’s something.

Michelle McManus - The Lifeplan Workout

Michelle McManus won Pop Idol in 2003, released an album and enjoyed a couple of years of fame. In 2005 she appeared on “You are what you eat” (with desiccated lying diet-hag, Gillian McKeith). The following year she released this workout DVD. Unlike a lot of workout-touting celebrities, Michelle needed to lose weight. She was 23 stone before embarking on her fitness regime and had lost 10 stone by the time this DVD was made. This means she’s heavier in her ‘after’ photo than celebs like Jessie Wallace (from Eastenders) and Vicky Entwhistle (from Coronation Street) are in their ‘before’ ones. Michelle looks perfectly lovely of course.

See Jessie and Vicky, a nice red dress and a positive attitude do wonders.

She has since regained a lot of her original weight. This may mean that the workout isn’t very good. Or that rapid ascension to recognition, being subjected to vicious scrutiny by tabloids and then being dropped by her record company (due to the relentless search of the music business to replicate and replace disposable music acts for short-term monetary advantage) has sapped Michelle of her self-worth and
willpower. Or maybe she just likes eating. You can over-think these
things to be honest.

I have no experience of Pop Idol (or its bastard son, the X-Factor) and hadn’t come across McManus before. She seems lovely and genuine. She has a nice rapport with her trainer, Dax Moy. Unlike the Mad Lady/Terrified Pet thing that Barbara and Roy had going on last week, I’d say there was even a bit of sexual attraction between Michelle and Dax (or Max as I probably won’t refer to them ever again). Admittedly, Dax fancies himself far more than he could any mortal woman. Fitness instructors seem to be obsessed with groins and arses, have you noticed? Dax never seems happier than when he’s sticking out his bum and tilting his pelvis. He takes enormous professional pride in how well he can do it. “Don’t worry if you can’t manage this as well as I can. I am a professional fitness instructor. You are a mere mortal.”
Look on me with wonderment and awe.
There are six routines on the DVD – Integrated Movement Training, Power Circuit, Dumbbell Matrix and Core Circuits 1, 2 and 3. There is also a section describing the elimination diet that Michelle followed and a section called “Michelle’s Lifeplan Tips” which aren’t really tips at all, rather interviews with Michelle and Dax where they tell you how they feel about things. (Spoiler: Michelle is happy. Dax thinks he’s pretty special.)

The exercises are great and easy to follow. It is recommended that you do each exercise 6 times to start with and add one repetition each time you do the workout. As Dax frequently tells us – in what he clearly thinks is a stunning bit of wordplay – there’s no progress without progression. You can’t argue with that logic, to be fair.

Worryingly, there’s no mention of an upper limit. If you follow the Exercise Planner booklet included with the DVD, you would be doing each individual set of exercises three or four times a week. You’d reach 22 by the end of the month. By the end of the first year it would be over 150. If Michelle were still following this regime in 2012 she’d need to do each routine 1,200 times. And there are dozens of them. No wonder she seems to have abandoned the Lifeplan. There’s no way she could fit all that in AND present Scottish TV’s “The Hour”.

Best Bit

This beginners-level demonstration of how to do a push-up. Nothing funny to say about it. I just found it really helpful.

Weirdest Bit
Dax explaining the rationale behind devising his elimination diet.

“There were no fewer than 80 books [in the shop] relating to nutrition... I’d open one and it would say ‘high protein, low fat’ and I’d open another one and it would say ‘low protein, high fat’. Another one would say something else. Every single one ... had two or three celebrities saying “This is the way to go”. But they were all saying something completely different and that didn’t sit right with me.”

Woah there, Moy. You noticed that there were too many diet books with conflicting advice - many of which were endorsed by celebrities? And you thought the solution to this would be to devise a brand new diet and get a Pop Idol winner to support it? Have you really thought this through?

Also, a ‘low protein, high fat’ diet plan? Are you sure that’s a thing?

Difficulty Level
2 out of 5.
I was pretty stiff the next day but I don’t think this workout was particularly hard. What with the old lady workout last week and the big lady workout this week, I am trying to be kind to myself to begin with.

Would I do this Workout again?
Yes, I think I would. Michelle keeps the unnecessary chitchat to a minimum and the exercises are clearly good for your muscles and not difficult to follow. I have even invested in some dumbbells so that next time I don’t have to heave bottles of fruity water about the place like a deranged shelf-stacker. This is probably the closest thing you’ll get to a ringing endorsement round these parts.