Mel B – Totally Fit

Who remembers the mid to late 1990s? What a crazy heady time that was. Post classical neo-feminist empowerment was in the air and the world embraced Girl Power. Not to mention spicing up our lives and really, really wanting to zigazig ha.

Hi Ci Ya, hold tight, sisters.

The Spice Girls ruled supreme in every corner of our lives. We ate Spice Girls crisps, drank Spice Girls Pepsi, laughed, cried and grew damn near hysterical watching the Spiceworld movie.

Weird thing is, this is just what all of them threw on that morning. The Pepsi photoshoot was pure coincidence.

Quite frankly, if you weren’t decked out in a Union Jack minidress, doing backflips and persuading your dad to cover your bedroom walls in Spice Girls wallpaper then you were doing the 1990s wrong.

It didn’t last of course. It couldn’t. Something that beautiful couldn’t exist in this world forever. Geri Halliwell left the group 1998 and the rest of the girls went their separate ways in 2000. But the universe remained a better place for having once having had the Spice Girls in it.

Afterwards, the Queen was like “Oh my god, they actually spoke to me! It was so cool.”

The girls went on to their new solo lives and mostly released songs that nobody  really remembers.

Mel B here (Scary Spice as was) seems to have devoted herself to appearing  as a judge on all the significant TV talent shows – Dancing with the stars, Australia’s  X-Factor, America’s Got Talent. If it’s got one of those fancy judges desks and isn’t in the UK then apparently, she’s all over it.

She released this workout DVD in 2008. You know how celebs usually get their trainer to do all the work? Not our Mel. She doesn’t need some professional bellowing out instructions. She’s more than capable of doing her own bellowing. That’s girl power for you. The Spice Girls made that sort of thing possible, of course. Women weren’t allowed to host their own fitness DVDs before “Viva Forever” was released. Or vote, probably.

Just look at the empowerment on display.

Mel does her workout in front of some very pretty in LA, accompanied by four backing exercisers. I don’t really know what purpose they serve as they are all doing exactly the same moves as Mel. Still, I’m sure Mel was happy to have them there. They probably all re-enacted the ‘Wannabe’ music video during their downtime.

"If you wanna be my lover, you better get with my friends."

Speaking of ‘Wannabe’, I looked up the lyrics to Mel and Geri’s rapping bit earlier because it occurred to me that I don’t really know what they’re saying. I think it’s fair to say that I have considerably less idea what they’re going on about now I’ve read the lyrics.

What? I mean seriously, what?

Mel provides a lot of helpful instruction and advice throughout the workout. You may well miss it though because it’s interspersed with Mel just shouting out any old rubbish which pops into her head. “Suck it in! Suck it in, brothers and sisters! This is crazy stuff! The sweat’s dripping down my back! Working OUT!”

On and on and on it goes. It’s quite impressive really. If Mel’s heavy breathing is anything to go by, then she’s seriously puffed out for most of this workout and yet she still manages to give us a word-by-word update of her stream of consciousness.

That’s just the Spice Girls all over, though. Going the extra mile. You wouldn’t get that sort of commitment from B*witched.

Best Bit

Ah Melanie, Melanie, Melanie. It’s like you heard you heard my frequent complaints in the last few weeks about the rubbish diet plans that get included in Celeb workouts and decided to remedy this by nipping back in time and presenting a properly put together nutrition segment five years ago. Thanks mate. I appreciate it.

That's egg white mashed with turkey on the plate. Mmm.

Worst Bit.

This isn’t Mel’s fault but I have realised that with Mel B’s Totally Fit and Geri Halliwell’s yoga stuff, I have exhausted the supply of Spice Girls who have released Celebrity Workout DVDs.  This is the band who set new benchmarks in product promotion, advertising deals and shameless over-exposure. Why have only two fifths of them exploited the most obvious celebrity cash-in opportunity available? Pull your fingers out, Sporty, Baby and Posh. I want to see workout DVDs in the shops from each of you by Christmas 2014.

Pictured: Impressive levels of shamelessness

Difficulty.

This was relentless and exhausting. And pretty much impossible as far as I was concerned.  Mel clearly likes to push herself to the limit. My limits are so much lower.

I found this one easier if you just kept your whole body on the ground.

She’d be a terrifying personal trainer. “On the floor! No stopping! No resting! Don’t even think about what’s going on! Just do it!” she barks.

Because clearly she hates me and she wants me to suffer.

Would I do this workout again?

Given that I probably managed about 10% of the exercises included in the ten million sections on this DVD, I suppose I probably ought to. I would hate for Mel B to find out that I didn’t. I have a feeling she might hunt me down and I am not sure I could handle the relentless bellowing.

You do not mess with this woman. She's ... ooh, what's the word?

Michelle McManus - The Lifeplan Workout

Michelle McManus won Pop Idol in 2003, released an album and enjoyed a couple of years of fame. In 2005 she appeared on “You are what you eat” (with desiccated lying diet-hag, Gillian McKeith). The following year she released this workout DVD. Unlike a lot of workout-touting celebrities, Michelle needed to lose weight. She was 23 stone before embarking on her fitness regime and had lost 10 stone by the time this DVD was made. This means she’s heavier in her ‘after’ photo than celebs like Jessie Wallace (from Eastenders) and Vicky Entwhistle (from Coronation Street) are in their ‘before’ ones. Michelle looks perfectly lovely of course.

See Jessie and Vicky, a nice red dress and a positive attitude do wonders.

She has since regained a lot of her original weight. This may mean that the workout isn’t very good. Or that rapid ascension to recognition, being subjected to vicious scrutiny by tabloids and then being dropped by her record company (due to the relentless search of the music business to replicate and replace disposable music acts for short-term monetary advantage) has sapped Michelle of her self-worth and
willpower. Or maybe she just likes eating. You can over-think these
things to be honest.

I have no experience of Pop Idol (or its bastard son, the X-Factor) and hadn’t come across McManus before. She seems lovely and genuine. She has a nice rapport with her trainer, Dax Moy. Unlike the Mad Lady/Terrified Pet thing that Barbara and Roy had going on last week, I’d say there was even a bit of sexual attraction between Michelle and Dax (or Max as I probably won’t refer to them ever again). Admittedly, Dax fancies himself far more than he could any mortal woman. Fitness instructors seem to be obsessed with groins and arses, have you noticed? Dax never seems happier than when he’s sticking out his bum and tilting his pelvis. He takes enormous professional pride in how well he can do it. “Don’t worry if you can’t manage this as well as I can. I am a professional fitness instructor. You are a mere mortal.”
Look on me with wonderment and awe.
There are six routines on the DVD – Integrated Movement Training, Power Circuit, Dumbbell Matrix and Core Circuits 1, 2 and 3. There is also a section describing the elimination diet that Michelle followed and a section called “Michelle’s Lifeplan Tips” which aren’t really tips at all, rather interviews with Michelle and Dax where they tell you how they feel about things. (Spoiler: Michelle is happy. Dax thinks he’s pretty special.)

The exercises are great and easy to follow. It is recommended that you do each exercise 6 times to start with and add one repetition each time you do the workout. As Dax frequently tells us – in what he clearly thinks is a stunning bit of wordplay – there’s no progress without progression. You can’t argue with that logic, to be fair.

Worryingly, there’s no mention of an upper limit. If you follow the Exercise Planner booklet included with the DVD, you would be doing each individual set of exercises three or four times a week. You’d reach 22 by the end of the month. By the end of the first year it would be over 150. If Michelle were still following this regime in 2012 she’d need to do each routine 1,200 times. And there are dozens of them. No wonder she seems to have abandoned the Lifeplan. There’s no way she could fit all that in AND present Scottish TV’s “The Hour”.

Best Bit

This beginners-level demonstration of how to do a push-up. Nothing funny to say about it. I just found it really helpful.

Weirdest Bit
Dax explaining the rationale behind devising his elimination diet.

“There were no fewer than 80 books [in the shop] relating to nutrition... I’d open one and it would say ‘high protein, low fat’ and I’d open another one and it would say ‘low protein, high fat’. Another one would say something else. Every single one ... had two or three celebrities saying “This is the way to go”. But they were all saying something completely different and that didn’t sit right with me.”

Woah there, Moy. You noticed that there were too many diet books with conflicting advice - many of which were endorsed by celebrities? And you thought the solution to this would be to devise a brand new diet and get a Pop Idol winner to support it? Have you really thought this through?

Also, a ‘low protein, high fat’ diet plan? Are you sure that’s a thing?

Difficulty Level
2 out of 5.
I was pretty stiff the next day but I don’t think this workout was particularly hard. What with the old lady workout last week and the big lady workout this week, I am trying to be kind to myself to begin with.

Would I do this Workout again?
Yes, I think I would. Michelle keeps the unnecessary chitchat to a minimum and the exercises are clearly good for your muscles and not difficult to follow. I have even invested in some dumbbells so that next time I don’t have to heave bottles of fruity water about the place like a deranged shelf-stacker. This is probably the closest thing you’ll get to a ringing endorsement round these parts.