Sunday, 24 February 2013

Hannah Waterman - Body Blitz

I don’t doubt for a moment that Hannah Waterman – daughter of Dennis and third wife of Ian Beale – really did lose all the weight she said she did. I have seen the video evidence after all. Why then does the picture of her on the front of the DVD box look like it was hastily cobbled together in Photoshop?

The face is at the wrong angle; the skin tone doesn’t match and just look at the unconvincing edging round her hair.

Was she hoping that people would purchase her DVD in the spirit of scientific curiosity to determine for themselves if the weight loss really did happen or if it was all part of some fiendish conspiracy?
Other celebrities who have benefitted from Waterman’s workout plan.
Hannah is keen to assure us that her workout is all based on ACTUAL SCIENCE backed up by Martin MacDonald from Loughborough University – the leading centre for Sport Science in Britain. The workout is based on interval training – 15 minutes of which is apparently equivalent to 1 hour of aerobics - a pretty impressive claim given that the workout seems to be full of the same leaping, jogging, bending and stretching that make up half the DVDs I’ve reviewed here.

Hannah is joined by not one but TWO fitness instructors, shouty Elia and quiet Adam. They both appear to be about 15 years old and all three have very sensibly decided to dress in white and fluorescent yellow clothing in case they need to cross any roads on the way home and want to be clearly visible to the traffic in accordance with the guidelines on the Government’s Road Safety website.

Always remember to stop, look, listen and Jesus Christ, that’s a terrifying website.
There’s plenty of uncomfortable flirting between Hannah and her boys, most of which revolves around her physically threatening them in some way. Adam gets to display the easier versions of the workouts while Elia and Hannah show off with the harder ones. By the look on Adam’s face, he isn’t particularly happy about this arrangement. ‘I could have done the hard ones,’ he’s clearly thinking. ‘I’m super-fit. If only Elia hadn’t won that game of stone, paper, scissors just before we started filming.’

Unlike other celebrities who have released workout after being caught by the tabloids daring to look like regular human beings at the beach, Hannah doesn’t keep her old fat self all greyed out and lurking in the background on the DVD cover. Old Hannah looks on admiringly  while - based on her body language – New Hannah is saying ‘Look on but do not come close, woman, lest your fat folds wobble in my general direction.’
They don't have this pair's chemistry, that's for sure.

Not only does the DVD display dozens of pictures of Hannah from the same paparazzi shoot, there's also footage of her doing the exercises at the beginning of the workout regime when she was at her ‘before’ weight of 10 stone something. I can’t decide if this is a positive move or more masochistic self-loathing. It’s hard to tell sometimes. To be fair, it’s enough of an effort to understand a celebrity’s workouts without trying to understand their minds as well.

Best Bit
Adam doesn’t say much but every so often Elia calls on him to explain something like why Interval training is better than other sorts of training. Adam concentrates and then recites his spiel like a kid reading his part in a school assembly. He looks utterly delighted with himself when he’s finished.

This is hot, sweaty and knackering work. It’s probably best to do these sections in twenty minute bursts as recommended rather than try to plough your way through it from beginning to end as I did.

Would I do this workout again ?
You know, it sometimes seems like I do nothing else with my life but watch people from soap operas leap around and bang on about their newfound love of fitness like a particularly tedious co-worker. Then I write it up while simultaneously stuffing bourbon biscuits into my mouth so it doesn’t do me much good in the end. I probably should do this one again; it was reasonably well put together and would probably be quite effective. I won’t though. I’ll watch Tamzin Outhwaite or Natalie Cassidy or some other Eastender in a week or two and it will just feel like I’m doing this one all over again.

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