Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Mr Motivator - All New BLT Workout

And once again, I shamefully left you hanging on for the next exciting instalment of C-List Celebrity Workouts.

I’ve become inexcusably slipshod. And this is since getting Clare Balding as a celebrity twitter follower as well. What MUST she think of me?

Ah well, I won’t bore you with the humdrum aspects of my life which have hampered my ability to upload this week’s reviews. It’s not like I’m the only hard-working parent with super-villains to vanquish and fiendish plots to undermine. The city is safe again, at least. And it’s nice those orphans can sleep soundly at night. Of course, it’s a shame that they are orphans now but – meh – you can’t have everything.

This week’s reviewee is 1990’s GMTV fitness instructor – Mr Motivator.
He and Mad Lizzie (from TV-am) are the only two TV fitness instructors I can think of who became celebrities in their own right. And by ‘celebrities’ I mean people of whom an exertaphobe such as myself was vaguely aware.

Mr Motivator - or Derrick Evans as he is known to his friends and the inland Revenue – looks fab. Some might say he overdoes it a bit with his bandana AND glasses AND moustache AND mad clothes. And they’d be right of course. Overdoing it is Mr M’s USP.

The whole DVD is filmed in Jamaica. The workouts are performed against a backdrop of tropical greenery, cliffs and sandy white beaches. I am so OVER fake celebrity houses now. All workout DVDs should like this.

Or this.

This would also be acceptable.

One of the locations is an ecotourism resort owned by Mr M himself. It’s called H’Evans Scent. Do you see what he did there?

Mr Motivator is joined by a whole bunch of impossibly gorgeous young Jamaican people. And a couple of very fit – but quite mumsy – looking ladies from the UK.

The workout sections consist of: Fun Calypso Workout; Upper Body Conditioning; Bikini Body Workout, Pyramid Workout and Bums Legs and Tums.

There’s a Party Workout at the end. Although, it looks like a pretty rubbish party to be honest. I’d like to hang out with Mr Motivator. He seems like a cool guy. But if his parties consist of jogging on the spot and arm-stretching rather than booze, snacks and impromptu balloon games, I think I’ll probably give it a miss.
Most of the sections are great – I particularly enjoyed the Upper body conditioning workout. But you all know how excited I get when there’s an opportunity to use my dumbbells.

I didn’t like the Pyramid workouts where Mr M dresses as an army sergeant major and orders his coquettishly-dressed squadron to perform a bunch of jumpy-up-and-down exercise. This is partly because I prefer lovely Mr Motivator to bossy Mr Motivator. But mostly because jumping up and down a lot is logistically awkward.

Best Bit
I love Mr Motivator. Normally I complain about people talking too much rubbish in workout DVDs. I could listen to Mr M talking rubbish all day though. He is, to be fair a professional at it.

“They started out with me looking rough but I’ve rebuilt them.”

“Smile! Jesus loves you!” (You know hardly anyone says that on Fitness DVDs.)

MrM: Every lady here say ‘Yes’!
Ladies: Yes!
MrM: I love it when women say ‘yes’

This really is the perfect mix of holiday brochure and pantomime.

Worst Bit
I originally assumed it was a re-release of one of Mr Motivator’s original videos from the 90s. However further research (Wikipedia) has revealed this is a new recording made in 2007.

In which case the production values are truly terrible. All the time I was excusing the shoddy quality because I thought it had been copied straight from VHS to DVD and that they’d tried to make up for how shit it was by introducing a “select your own workout” feature (that doesn’t really work).

If this was recorded in the current century on a camera designed for the purpose then the fact that this woman’s face looks like it’s been blurred out for security purposes for the Upper Body conditioning workout is a little bit disappointing.

Weirdest Bit
Between workouts there are baffling “comedy” segments with The Mad Professor and his assistant. The credits reveal that both the characters share Mr Motivator’s surname (not Motivator , the other one) which, at least explains what they are doing on the DVD.

Mostly OK. Apart from the Pyramid Jumping which I didn’t attempt. And the dancing. I REALLY can’t dance.

Would I do this DVD again?
Well no. I’m not going to do any of these workouts again probably. I should get rid of this section. Maybe replace it with “Would I recommend this to a friend?” or “Would I sooner do this again than wank off a pig?”

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Katie Price - The Jordan Workout

Wikipedia lists Katie’s Prices career achievements as: media personality, author, former glamour model, occasional singer and businesswoman. It’s a pretty underwhelming set of achievements, really.

As an author, every one of her 38 books has been written by someone else. The glamour modelling with which she first came to the public’s attention is now just a ‘former’ occupation. And is there any adjective damning with more faint praise than ‘occasional’ singer? All we’re left with really is “personality” and ‘businesswoman”. Jordan makes money out of her selling herself.

Not that she's pretended otherwise, to be fair

This workout DVD was brought out in 2005, the year after she appeared on ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of here’ where she hooked up with 90s pop star Peter Andre. They were married in September 2005. Jordan tells us that she adopted this workout following the birth of her second child in June of that year in order to get back into shape for her wedding.

Jordan and Andre just before Junior's birth. I can't believe it didn't work out for these two crazy kids.

As Jordan tells us ‘I was due to get married AND go on my honeymoon.' What are the chances, eh? Both those things happening at the same time.

She also tells us that she had never dieted or exercised in her life. This comes across as an admission that as she neither really needed to lose weight, nor enjoys exercise, she was blatantly releasing a workout DVD for the cash.

The DVD itself is fine. It appears to be literally set in Barbie’s Fashion Fairytale Palace. If ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ were still around, I’d be convinced that dressing the set had been left to a very lucky six year old girl who had a whale of time purchasing fluffy lights, disco balls and novelty seating.

Oh, I see, it's a shoe

Trainer Richard Callender tries to counteract the girliness by using lots of boxing expressions and frequently reminding us that he’s heterosexual.

There’s lots of punching and jumping and stretching. None of the sequences are difficult to follow. This is probably for Jordan’s benefit, who really doesn’t look like she’s done this (or probably any) workout before. Plus she really doesn’t seem all that bright, bless her. Richard tries to engage her in conversation during the workout. When he asks her how she’s down during the warm-up, she replies perkily “Warming up!” – a pretty typical Jordan comment. Her internal thought processes seem to be a running commentary of whatever she’s doing at a given moment.

I’m not sure who this DVD is aimed at. As I said, it looks like it’s set in a child’s bedroom. Trainer, Richard has a great line in cheery encouragement that I’m sure would endear him to middle aged women. Jordan, though, seems to think she’s making the softest of all softcore porn movies. It’s all low cut tops, bouncing, bending over and telling us how hot she’s feeling. For most of the workout she wears a pink miniskirt over a white leotard thus giving the impression of an upskirt panty shot every time she moves her legs.

Except that anyone with an amorous interest in Jordan wouldn’t be seeking gratification from a workout DVD surely? It would be a pretty rum state of affairs if this DVD were the only thing you could rustle up as a wanking aid. I believe they even have porn on the internet these days.

This is the first picture you get if you type 'porn' into a Google Image Safe Search. Wait, Is that a rubber band round his hand? What on earth is he planning to do with that?

Best Bit
Knowing that this workout allowed Jordan to look so lovely at her wedding to Peter Andre.

Worst Bit
Knowing that the marriage was doomed to failure. Poor sweet ignorant 2005 Jordan. What know you of life?

Difficulty Level
Easy peasy. Although I did leave out the “Hard Core” section. Which was a killer abs session, incidentally. I’m not returning to my previous pornography digression.

Would I do this workout again?
No. It wasn’t the worst workout I’ve done by a long way. However, watching the Jordan Workout once can be considered a duty. Watching the Jordan Workout twice looks like an indulgence. I do have to live with myself, you know.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

Gabby Logan - Twin Results Workout

The reason for choosing Gabby Logan as this weeks CLCW review is a pretty exciting one. Last week in aid of Sports Relief, a whole bunch of celebrities participated in Twit Relief and us hoi polloi were invited to buy raffle tickets in order to win, for example, dinner with Emma Kennedy or a phone call from actress, Diane Vickers. A lot of the celeb prizes included – or consisted solely of – a Twitter Superfollow. This is very much like a regular follow but instead of being followed by an common or garden pleb, you are followed by a living, breathing actual celebrity! Yes it’s THAT exciting!

Your chance of winning has passed now, of course.

And wait, I haven’t even got to the truly exciting part yet! C-List Celebrity Workouts (@clcelebworkouts) have won BBC Sports Presenter, Clare Balding! She will be following the CLCW twitter account for a minimum of three months and has to retweet something I say at some point! I feel like Clare and I are best friends now. OK, I had to pay for it and she hasn’t actually started following me yet, but we’re like sisters, really we are.

Here’s one of Clare Balding’s tweets from earlier today:

“Having a fun day out at Ascot races with @antanddec Have advised their mates to back Desert Law in 3.20 at Doncaster so the pressure's on.”

Now if this doesn’t prove that Clare and I are soulmates, I don’t know what does.
Admittedly, I have never been to Ascot. Or met Ant or Dec. Or advised anyone regarding who to back in the 3.20 at Doncaster . But if I DID do any of these things, I’m pretty sure I would consider it “A fun day out”. It’s uncanny.

How Clare might look hanging out at my house.

Clare Balding hasn’t released a Workout DVD of her own yet. However, as I fully expect her to hightail it over to my blog any time now, I thought I’d do the next best thing and feature a Workout DVD from one of her celebrity mates.

Clare and Gabby are, no doubt, constantly hanging out together at BBC Sports Presenter barbecues, quiz nights and Tupperware parties - swapping anecdotes, sharing beauty tips and recommending obscure blogs to one another.

Gabby Logan : So pretty she should probably do yogurt adverts.

Gabby Logan’s “Twin Results Workout” is the workout she followed while she was pregnant and just after the birth of her twins. Happily, she tells us that being pregnant isn’t compulsory and the workout's fantastic “even if you haven’t had children and just want to feel and look fit and healthy”.

She probably realised that marketing a DVD purely at people expecting multiple births would have had a bit of a detrimental effect on her sales figures.

Gabby is the first celebrity we’ve had on this site who’s a sports professional and former international athlete. It shows. This is a proper no-nonsense work out. Her trainer, Colin Allan appears stern and intimidating, although the DVD extras would suggest that this is a bit of an act he puts on.

Do not mess with this man.

There are five sections and all are sensibly named: Warm-Up, Trunk, Upper Body, Lower Body and Cool Down.

In each section there are three different levels of difficulty depending on whether you follow Gabby, Mel or Jo. Mel and Jo being the other women doing the workout. They are both friends of Gabby’s and we’re given a bit of background about them - neither have kids. Mel plays hockey. It makes a nice contrast to the neglect of Helmut and Pedro on Nadia’s DVD the other week. (These are possibly not the right names. I can’t be bothered to go back and check. They’re old news.)

From top to bottom: Mel, Jo and Gabby. The gang's all here!

I don’t have a lot to say about this workout, to be honest. This is Gabby Logan's fault for making her workout sensible and useful rather than ridiculous and self-indulgent. Luckily I don’t foresee that being an issue with most of the workouts on my “to watch” pile.

The only time Gabby wanders off-topic at all is when she goes into more detail about Diastasis Recti than I felt I really wanted to know. (A defect caused by the stretching of the abdomen by a growing uterus, apparently).

Would I do this workout again?
Yes definitely. Apart from anything else I got to use my lime green dumbbells in the “Upper Body” section and that always makes me happy.

Difficulty Level
For most exercises there were three levels – easy, hard and Gabby-level. That woman likes to push everything just that little bit further. Still you don’t get amazing buttocks like hers without putting some effort in.

Aforementioned amazing buttocks.

I found I was able to keep up the easiest level of exercises. Particularly the ones where all I had to do was concentrate on my pelvis. I find I have quite the knack for that.

Best Bit.
The out-takes. Colin gets the giggles! I’m always a sucker for blooper reels at the end of films so I think this is a trend worth encouraging on fitness DVDs.

Worst Bit.

I thought there would be more mention of her twins considering they are part of the DVD title. The extra “Twin Story” turned out – a little disappointingly - to be the story of the Twin Results Workout. Not the actual twins.

Although thanks to this thing called the internet I found what appears to the one picture in existence of her son and daughter.

I’m not sure what I actually wanted her babies to contribute to the workout. It’s not as though I expected to see Gabby hurling them about “Baby Yoga” style.
(You really don’t want to click that link, by the way.)

Maybe I’m just spoilt after seeing Geri Halliwell’s dog the other week. Not that Gabby’s kids could have competed with him, no matter how lovely they are. In fact, until a celebrity releases a workout DVD incorporating kittens or a baby panda, Geri’s still winning.