Josie Gibson – 30-second slim

Let’s get one thing straight. This workout does not last 30 seconds. Good news if you are looking to get value for money from your Celebrity Workout DVD purchases. Bad news if you were looking for a workout you could do during an ad break in Come Dine With Me.

The justification for the name presumably comes from the fact that this workout uses interval training and consists of 30-second blocks of high impact training interspersed with periods of “Active Rest”.

(“Active Rest” by the way is a grossly misleading term. It’s up there with “Public School” or “Friendly Fire”.)

Pictured: Friendly Fire

It’s a fucking liberty. A workout where bits of it last for 30 seconds isn’t a “30-second Workout” any more than Lord of the Rings is a “3 page book” just because sections of it are three pages long.

Not that I’m laying any of the blame for this at Josie Gibson’s feet. She seems like a perfectly nice girl who’s just trying to keep her media career alive after her departure from the Big Brother house in 2010.

Now here's a workout DVD double act we'd like to see

“Big Brother’s Josie Gibson is more a little sister now!” says the DVD box. Because she’s gone from being big to being little, do you see? Much like she’s gone from being a boy to being a girl. No wait, she hasn’t done that. I’m not really sure that comparison was really thought through.

Josie took part in Series 11 of Big Brother which was the last series of Big Brother to be broadcast on Channel 4. I had completely lost interest in Big Brother by this time and it seems I wasn’t the only one as Channel 4 were so desperately trying to ‘freshen up’ the format that it became a bit of an embarrassment.  For example, they had one of the housemates dress up in a mole suit live in a Mole Hole. They also instigated a Tree of Temptation which prompted contestants to do such hideously antisocial things like throw housemates' vegetables, fruit and bread into the pool and destroy someone's cigarettes. It’s like they actually wanted the housemates to kill one another.

It was - apparently - an actual tree

The format seems a confusing mess by this point – 81 hopefuls turn up on day 1 with one of the contestants being chosen by random draw and a bunch of new contestants being flown in by spaceship of day 31? What gibbering madness is this?

Still gibbering madness or not (and it was. Clearly.), Jodie must have been doing something right as she not only won the competition but did so with the highest percentage of the public vote ever. 

This DVD was released in January of this year which makes it a startlingly up-to-date review for CLCW. We’d better watch ourselves. We’re in danger of becoming cutting edge, here.

There are three workouts covering three different difficulty levels as well as a “Josie’s Story” extra which purports to give us a behind the scenes look at Josie’s incredible weight loss. Mostly it includes footage of Josie exercising at the beginning of her fitness regime when she was still plus-size. She has been squeezed into a pair of exercise shorts three sizes to small which causes her belly to overhang the waistband uncomfortably. Presumably to provide a contrast with the way she looks now.  And to provide an incentive to the rest of us.

It doesn’t have to be like this Josie. They make shorts in all different sizes.

The voiceover tell us it was “cruel” pictures taken of Josie on holiday that made her want to lose weight. Well, if they were so very cruel, voiceover lady, why are you showing them, huh?

And why am I showing them now? It’s like we’re ALL monsters.

She certainly looks like a new woman by the end of it. And she deserves to if she’s doing these exercises on a regular basis. They are unbelievably hard work. This may actually be the toughest (as opposed to just incomprehensibly convoluted) workout we've had here. You don’t expect it when you've got a celeb who was formerly actually overweight rather than merely photographed by the paparazzi at an unflattering angle. 30 second workouts can be pretty exhausting when you stick a load of them one after the other.

Suffer as I do!

Difficulty Level

As I mentioned, this is really hard work. Trainer James Stark isn't content just to make us do press ups. It’s more like: do a press up then touch your toes and a do a star jump and a squat thrust all within 2 seconds. And Repeat! Lots!

We've barely even started, people!

Would I do this Workout Again?

You know I am going to have to. Basically, you’re expected to master Level 1 before you move on to Level 2 then get the hang of that one before moving up to Level 3. I feel like a bit of a fraud even playing the later sections. Like I wasn’t really authorised to do so.  I will be back and  I will earn those Level 1 stripes godammit.  

Best Bit

Josie’s accent is just delightful. I honestly didn’t know that Bristolians spoke like that. I am clearly not spending enough time there. Who doesn’t want to spend time with someone who looks like Barbie and sounds like the Wurzels?

I got a brand new combine harvester and I’ll give you the key

Worst Bit

The workout appears to have been recorded in a school gym. There are wall bars and a old-fashioned vaulting horse. It took me right back to PE lessons at school. I’ve just about stopped screaming now.

The horror.

Anne Diamond – A New You

Most Celebrity Fitness DVDs consist of a bunch of exercises with maybe a DVD extra at the end with a bit of healthy eating advice.

Anne Diamond’s A New You instead starts off with the food  and then tacks on a  few exercises afterwards. This was released by the Queen of TV-AM in 2003 following her appearance in Celebrity Big Brother the previous year when apparently her weight made headline news. Because tabloid editors are bastards.

Before the cardio or resistance workouts are even mentioned, we have half an hour of chatting about food. Anne’s personal fitness guru, Jason Vale, tells us what we can and can’t eat.

At the beginning of the DVD there is a weasel-worded disclaimer stating that although Vale may have specifically told you to avoid fizzy drinks while holding up a coke bottle with a sticker saying “Cola” over the label, this is in no way to be taken as us saying that there’s anything wrong with coke. Or any of the other products shown. And please don’t sue us.

From left to right, this is not diet coke, sunny delight or Tate & Lyle. As long as that's understood.

I appreciate that I’m in no position to criticise anybody else’s eating regime. My food pyramid is more of a food cube. I have no problem eating my recommended five portions of fruit and vegetables each day but I do compliment it with a passionate love of carbs and an evangelical enthusiasm for melting cheese over everything. I would melt cheese onto melted cheese if I thought the structural integrity would hold up. My idea of an interesting evening’s entertainment is to taste test Tesco’s and Sainsbury’s pretend snickers bars against genuine ones.

Hold my calls. This could take a while.

 



Never-the-less, I am a bit sceptical of some of Jason’s claims. White bread, he says, will only be eaten by cockroaches in emergency circumstances. “Call me picky,” he chuckles, “if it’s not good enough for cockroaches, it’s not good enough for me.”

Seriously, Jason, is that a valid scientific yardstick? What do cockroaches eat the rest of the time? And what constitutes an ‘emergency situation’ for a cockroach anyway? They always look like they’re losing their shit.

Don't panic!

He encourages to eat food in it’s a raw form as much as possible. “If you look at any animal in the wild, that’s all they eat,” he tells us. “They never cook anything.”

How the hell am I supposed to base my diet all animals ever? Cats manufacture their own vitamin C.  Rabbits eat their own shit. The Lisotrigona cacciae moth drinks human tears. I have no idea which of these to work into my current eating plan.

Party Time!

He also tells us that mice who drink diet cola become fat, that red meat will putrefy in your body and that that cow’s milk is basically glue which sticks to your bloodstream.

Everything Jason tells us seems to get contradicted immediately. Cheese is off the menu because it’s unnatural to have dairy once we’ve past breastfeeding age. Organic cheese, though, is OK. Roasted nuts should be avoided because the roasting process changes the molecular structure however roasting sweet potatoes is just fine.

All processed food is basically the devil’s work - we should aim to eat food in its natural state “as Mother Nature intended”. He then recommends that we eat live yogurt for its Acidophilus but says that the best way to get it is by taking it in tablet form. Nutritional supplements springing from the ground as they do.

After having my mind blown by Jason’s food regime (and everything I have told you is just the tip of the iceberg), we moved on to the rest of the DVD which consists of 3 workouts, some of Anne’s top tips and a Anne’s fashion advice (think Gok Wan but with less boob fondling and more relentless erosion of self-confidence. )

There are three sections – Cardio Blast, Resistance Training and Abdominal Blast – and each is only 10 minutes long.  I am lazy by nature and yet even I found myself thinking “Is that all?” about the amount of actual exercise included on this DVD. The manufacturers seemed to realise it was a bit lacking and have added a bonus workout as an extra. I am not sure why this doesn’t get included the main workout. There isn’t really any warm-up or cool-down and the workouts are a bit like Interval Training without the Interval. Or they’re all interval. I’m not entirely sure. You know how interval is, like, fast bit, not-fast bit, fast bit? This was just the fast bits. Interspersed with Anne twatting on about eating in restaurants or something.

Best Bit

During the food section, Jason dismisses the idea that organic is necessarily healthier by pointing out that you can get organic tobacco.

“You can get organic cocaine!” pipes up Anne knowledgeably. Clearly, she’s a woman who likes to ensure that her Class As are ethically sourced.

And always check for the Fair Trade sticker.

Worst Bit

Jason may hate fat people. I don’t know if this should act as hindrance to his working as a personal trainer to fat people. The Biggest Loser TV show was predicated on the idea that fat people are disgusting and ought to be humiliated into shifting some of their useless blubber.

It’s a bit weird. During the workouts, Jason shouts out things like “Remember why you’re here!” and “Don’t just stare at the telly! Work while you’re doing it!” as though he imagines that us viewers are just sitting on our roly-poly arses gaping at the screen and stuffing crisps into our mouths four at a time.

After the workouts, there is a section called “Staying Motivated” which uses visualisation techniques to try and keep us on the right path to Our New Us. Jason asks us to visualise ourselves at our current size in a swimsuit. He is really keen that we concentrate on every bulge and every fold of fat. Apparently I already disgust Jason. He is keen that I learn to disgust myself too.

Difficulty

I didn’t work up much of a sweat doing this. I seem to have worked up quite a bit of rage though. I’m not sure what that’s about.

Would I do this workout again?

No. Anne didn’t.

I don’t normally mention any post-workout weight gain for celebrities I review here. Well, I did for Michelle McManus and then I felt bad afterwards. It’s not my place to judge anybody on whether they are fat, thin or somewhere in between.

As the sainted Marky Mark Wahlberg said “Everybody’s beautiful, man”

However, I am making an exception for Anne because it turns out she is a serial releaser of fitness videos which just don’t work.

Anne Diamond released her first exercise video, 100% Healthy in 1997. She released her second - The Diamond Plan - in 2000. In the intervening years she had gained enough weight to stick a ‘before’ fat picture on the video box and exclaim in large letters that she had lost 4 stone.  By 2002 and her appearance on Celebrity Big Brother, she had gained it back and more. She lost 4 stone again for the release of A New You in 2003 and then piled the weight back on by the time she appeared in Celebrity Fit Club in 2006.

 

Perhaps some sort of EU standard could be put in place whereby celebrities aren’t allowed to say “If I can do it then so can you!” until they’ve managed to maintain their new size for a year. Keeping the weight off just until your fitness DVD hits the shops isn’t the same thing at all.

She hasn’t felt the need to release a workout DVD in a while. Her solution to her weight issues? Having a gastric band fitted. Because it turns out that sometimes there’s more to finding the New You than some Resistance Training, a spinach smoothie and a thin bloke telling you that you look shit in a bikini.

Davina McCall – The Power of 3

And so Miss McCall, we meet at last.

I’ve been aware for some time that Davina McCall is widely regarded in the world of Celebrity Fitness Workout DVDs. The Daily Mail refers to her as the DVD Workout Queen and her workouts are considered to be both well put together and difficult to do.

This is, of course, why I have been putting it off. I like my workouts easy and stupid.

But we both knew, me and Davina, that this day had to come. She may not know she knew it but deep down she did. CLCW has been playing hard to get long enough and the time had come to say “Enough, Davina! I’m all yours! Show me what you’ve got!”

Bring it on

 

Not that I’m tackling the whole of McCall’s fitness library. I’m not a lunatic. The woman appears to have released a workout DVD every year since 2004.

This is the very first of those. The ‘Power of 3’ of the title refers to the 3 routines on the DVD, which you need to do 3 times a week. Presumably it also refers to Davina and her two personal trainers – Jackie and Mark Wren. After they’ve finished working out together they probably go off and fight crime, shouting “By the Power of 3!” before they do their special hand signal, put on their masks and capture the bad guys.

The Dynamic Trio

 

The three sections are Legs & Bums, Upper Body and Abdominals as well as a Warm Up and Cool Down. The husband and wife instructor team split the sessions between them so there’s no awkward bickering while they’re giving instructions. Jackie and Mark Wren seem like a nice couple. Although at one point when Davina makes a comment about her arse being too big, Mark says “It looks good from here”. Dude, your wife is just there!

Davina acknowledges that not everyone is lucky enough to be able to afford not one but two personal trainers. “So,” she tells us. “I thought I’d share Jackie and Mark with you!”

Well that’s just great. Not content with boasting about your enormous wealth, you’re now gloating about the fact that you’ve just made more money out of us by allowing us access to your privileged lifestyle. Why not just include a shot of you rolling around in piles of money, lathering your hair up with Garnier Nutrisse and laughing maniacally while you’re at it?

Go on, mock us with your chestnut locks

That said, Davina is quite entertaining. She’s clearly enjoying herself and not just because she’s showing off.  There are plenty of extras showing her mugging to the camera, getting the giggles and hanging out with the rest of the crew trying to learn how to wolf-whistle. If someone held a gun to my head and forced me to choose a celebrity to have as a gym buddy, I’d be pretty freaked out. I mean, who does that? That’s some messed up shit.

You could do worse than McCall though. She seems like fun.

Difficulty Level
The workouts are hard work. There’s a lot of squatting and thrusting and stretching and stuff. Every so often Jackie will suggest an easier version of a move, “If this is getting to much, just do the kicks” she’ll say and join you in it for 45 seconds before hectoring you to do the full kick-jump-squat-waving your arms about thing again. I felt I had to do the whole thing properly or be judged.
Davina even admits that she wants us to suffer. When Jackie suggests that we just do the knee lifts as an easier alternative, she says “That’s OK isn’t it?” to Davina. “Sort of, “grumbles Davina. “I’d rather everyone was doing it with me.”

Suffer as I do!



Best Bit
The Boxercising. Davina shares my enthusiasm for pretending to punch people.  “It makes me feel butch” she says before growling a bit and saying “Dangerous, yeah! That’s me yeah! I’m a lean, mean killing machine!” A little bit of murderous rage always helps when you’re working out, I think.

Maybe too much murderous rage.

 

Worst Bit.
There are two DVD extras – ‘Davina on Clothes’ and ‘Davina on Food’. In the first one, Davina introduces us to her personal dresser, Neil and then invites us to admire how great she looks while she tries on some dresses. Seriously, that’s all there is to it. There are no handy Trinny-and-Susannah-type tips for the rest of us. We are just here to gawk at the dress she wore to Elton John’s party and admire how shapely her calves are now.

Are you sure this isn't too revealing, Neil?

 

‘Davina on Food’ consists of Davina walking around a supermarket waffling on about food. There’s no diet plan. There’s no plan of any kind. It’s just an unedited stream of consciousness as she wanders around the food aisles. Thanks for that.

I have no idea what extras are included in any of her other workouts. Maybe there will be the opportunity to see her strolling around BHS talking about cushions or a film of her in her local launderette telling us about her favourite spin cycles.

Would I do this Workout Again?
Perhaps. Perhaps not. There are at least eight other Davina workout DVDs to get through, including ‘Body Buff’, ‘Intense’ and ‘Ultimate Target’ so one thing’s for sure, this isn’t over yet, McCall. You’ve not seen the last of me.

Penny Lancaster – Ultimate Body Workout

The DVD I have is titled the “Hot Legs Workout” and in tiny writing on the back of the box, is the message “previously released as the Ultimate Body Workout” which is the name that’s splashed throughout the DVD on the menu, credits and before every single section.

You can't fool me. I can read words.

So why change it? Is there a “Hot Legs” reference I’m not getting? Or is this a cunning ploy to try to get people who loved the workout under its original name to accidentally buy it all over again. In which case, shame on you, Penny Lancaster!

The DVD I had looked like the cover had been badly printed on a printer that was running out of yellow. It was definitely legit though, I bought it in Poundland. It still had the cellophane on it and everything,

Nothing but the best for you people

Penny Lancaster is a model, reality show star and the wife of croaky voiced crooner, Rod Stewart for the past five years. The pair presumably having bonded over their shared love of big shaggy hairstyles.

For the workout, Penny is joined by her qualified fitness instructor brother Oliver Lancaster and his girlfriend Louise Crocker.

I have no idea why.

The pair literally do not say a word for the entirety of the DVD.  Penny takes centre stage and does all the talking. The other two just silently get on with her routine in the background. I’m not sure they even make eye contact with her.

I worry they might have had a massive spat just before shooting and Penny cut all her brother’s lines along with a planned “Robot-style Jazzacise” routine in the middle.

Do not say a word, you two.

Penny herself is a trained aerobics instructor and used to do this sort of thing for a living before she took up modelling and married into pop royalty. She tells us that these are her own personally choreographed routines and excitedly tells us that the routines contain:

• Muscular Strength & Endurance exercises
• Aerobics
• Cardio-Vascular exercises
• Boxing
• Dance
• Yoga
• Pilates
• Even Floor Work!

Even Floor Work? Seriously, Penny? You thought that was the best one to leave to the end, did you? That was the special treat that would get us all excited.

 

Penny Lancaster : A Model

This picture has nothing to do with the previous sentence.

 

For all its build up, it’s a pretty humdrum set of exercises to be honest.  Maybe I’ve just been spoilt by other celebrities.

The warm up reminded me of the Wii Fit Step. It consisted of taking steps to forward then the odd step to the side. All it really lacked was an audience of Miis living in a world so starved of entertainment that they’ll applaud wildly at anything.

This is the level of appreciation I need

 

The DVD extras contain an interview with Penny with a very over-excited interviewer who doesn’t seem to warrant a mention on the credits.  I bet she’s a T4 presenter. She’s got that vibe about her.

Who is this woman?

“So” our unnamed lady squeaks, “Rod’s inside having lunch! You’ve got the beach outside! And you’re just about to shoot a fitness video! Is this just a normal day in your life?!”

To be fair, love, her husband having his lunch probably is a fairly routine occurrence. I don’t believe Rod was really on set. Surely they’d have dragged him in for one scene just so they could stick a special “Appearance by Rod Stewart!” sticker on the box. He wouldn’t have to do a routine or anything. Maybe just dribble a football in the back of the shot in order to sprinkle some A List Celebrity fairydust on the whole endeavour.

Penny takes her man for a walk

Still, young Penny is clearly a strong, independent woman.  She was originally approached to make a fitness DVD as a model alongside her very own Radu Teodorescu or Roy Gayle. But she was clearly all “Nu-Uh. You think I got those aerobics instructor certificates for nothing? I’m running this show!”

She says that she took the project on 5 weeks before the shooting began. Initially, it sounds like short notice but if you think about it all, she had to do was come up with some routines – which she claims she does all the time in her real life anyway.  I doubt very much she had to take responsibility for booking the location or hiring the camera crew. Hell, I reckon even I could throw together a fitness video in less than 5 weeks. Mine wouldn’t have Rod Stewart in it either.

Of course, Rod really should release his own workout.

Best Bit

Penny tells us about her eating habits. Initially maintaining that she eats just a regular person, she then recommends that rather than eat chocolate, you should just sniff instead as a low calorie alternative. I’m not sure anyone who can pick chocolate up, smell it and then set it down again is an actual human being. When hostile aliens start infiltrating our planet and attempting to disguise themselves among us, this is one of the tests that humans will use.

This lovely Penny Lancaster collage was on www.bestcelebwallpapers.com.

I think it may be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Worst Bit

The style in which this workout is shot with colour footage intercut with grainy black and white is reminiscent of fellow model Cindy Crawford’s workouts. I suspect that she is deliberately paying homage. Which seems a bit sad, really. Penny Lancaster is literally the poundshop Cindy Crawford.

Using one colour camera and one black and white camera, she could have paid homage the Blair Witch Project instead. That would have been great.  Everyone loves Celebrity Workouts. Everybody loves horror. Why has nobody ever made a crossover?

Difficulty Level

Silent Louise was quietly getting on with the beginner level moves in the background but nothing was all that taxing here. Which on the one hand is great because I like my life to be easy but on the other hand, leads me to suspect that Penny doesn’t just rely on these moves in order to keep herself in shape. I suppose sniffing your food rather than actually eating it must help though.

Would I do this work out again?
Nah, life’s too short to be joining uninteresting models jogging on the spot in locations that are presumably meant to look tropical but actually look a bit cold and windy.

Unlike this sunny location where Rod is literally having to use his wife as a sunshade.

Although, if she keeps releasing this workout under different names, there’s every chance that I’ll review the “Penny Lancaster: Wearing Shorts by a Swimming Pool Workout” or something in a year’s time and just think the whole thing looks terribly familiar.

Strictly Come Dancing - Strictly Fit

 

“Strictly Come Dancing” is a stupid name for a television series, isn’t it? I appreciate that the programme makers are paying homage to the classic ballroom dancing show “Come Dancing” while trying to funky it up a little with a Strictly Ballroom reference. It still makes no sense, though. I imagine someone scribbled the name on a whiteboard in one of the early development meetings with a cheery “Obviously, it’ll be something less lame than that. We’ll come back to it later.” Only they never did. And now we’re stuck with it.

Come Dancing. When it was done properly. By women who made their own dresses.   One of the many cash-in opportunities Strictly has provided us with, along with sellout tours, audio CDs and a Glitzy Glamour Sticker Book, are a bunch of Workout DVDs.

This one appears from the cover to be called “Strictly Come Dancing Strictly Fit Dance Fit” A catchy title and no mistake. It features three of the professional dancers from the show – Natalie Lowe, Ola Jordan and Artem Chigvintsev.

They divvy up the dance routines between them so that Natalie takes care of the Samba, Artem does the Paso Doble and Ola does the Cha Cha Cha. All three presenters band together for the Jive section and there is also a warm-up and cool-down. I appreciate that they are trying to link back to real dances that they do on the television shows. However, seeing Artem do the Paso Doble with a bunch of sullen looking extras just reminds you of him doing the same dance under happier circumstances.


 

One of the Artem’s backing guys really did seem to be giving him evils through the routine. I imagined there was some kind of messy break-up between them. To be honest, I assumed that all the performers in that section were entangled in some kind of complicated love pentagon.

Love's a Complicated Thing

 

The dance routines seem to be taking place in the foyer of an old theatre and there are a troupe of background dancers who have clearly been given instructions not to upstage or out-smile our main guys. (Natalie in particular is the smiliest person on the planet. It’s exhausting just looking at her.) These may be the only instructions the dancers were given as they don’t seem very clear on their moves a lot of the time and may be doing it for the first time here. Which I suppose put them in the same position as me. Only with talent. And grace. And a much lower BMI.

The DVD comes with no intros and no extras. Which was odd and certainly doesn’t make my life any easier. Even more disappointing was the complete absence of the ‘Studio Sessions’ segment mentioned on the box. We’re promised a ‘high intensity dance practise session’ to do once we’ve got the hang of the routines.

LIES

Make no mistake, I hadn’t got the hang of the routines at all, but I’m highly sceptical that the DVD actually knew that. This section was nowhere to be seen. Not in the Main Menu, Not in the Workout Menu and not under the Dance Glossary section. I even started clicking the arrow button around randomly in case it was hidden Easter-Egg style somewhere. I have a strong mind to write to the BBC and see what they have to say for themselves.

Best Bit

Ola’s delightful Polish accent. She has a wonderful sing-song inflection and counts along to the moves by saying “ta ta ta”. (Which sounds a lot lovelier than it looks written down.) Best of all, every so often her accent goes a little bit cockney. She’s like an Eastern European princess who’s been hanging around with the Slater sisters too much. Which I suppose is a pretty fair depiction of her life on Strictly.

Worst Bit.

I know I’m always going on about Plinky Plonky music but the half-hearted ring-tones that make up the soundtrack to this DVD deserve some kind of special award. Our dancers were clearly busting their moves in a silent studio and the muzak was added on post-production. Presumably by the tea boy after he had accidentally erased the original soundtrack in a comedy slapstick fashion. The soundtrack bears no relation to the rhythm of the dances or the type of dance being performed. Using Latin American music for the Cha Cha Cha is apparently so passé these days.

The menu gives you the option to do the work out without the presenter’s instructions and just the music. In case you really loathe yourself and feel you have to be punished for something. Incidentally, you can achieve the same effect with any of the DVDs in your collection by simply hitting the mute button and then phoning an organisation and asking to be put on hold.

Difficulty Level
To be fair, the dance moves are simply and patiently explained. It’s almost like they expect the viewer to be an incompetent idiot. Which I found very useful.

Would I do this Workout Again

Only to discover the secret of accessing that bloody Studio Session. Maybe there's a special cheat code. I may put the DVD back in the machine again just so I can start desperately pressing the up down buttons on the remote control in the forlorn hope that the Mythical Dance Session will be revealed. If it it ever is, there is a just the teeniest chance it may be a bit of an anti-climax.

Chantelle Houghton – Chantelle’s Boot Camp Workout

Chantelle Houghton appeared on Celebrity Big Brother in 2006 pretending to be a celebrity when she actually wasn’t. She managed to fool the other celebrities who presumably (a) hadn’t heard of many the other ‘celebs’ either and (b) didn’t give much of a fuck in any case.

Following a task where they had to rank each other in terms of famousness – Chantelle romped in 9th out-famousing both Preston and Maggot.

Maggot can still presumably get on a bus without fear of being mobbed. And poor Preston is now best known for his brief marriage to Chantelle. It’s true what they say about fame. She’s a fickle wossname and no mistake.

Chantelle went on to win Celebrity Big Brother despite not actually being one. This allowed her to embark on exciting new projects like glamour modelling and supporting the animal charity PETA.

As a vegetarian, I feel I should approve of this advert but I just can't bring myself to do so.

 

This, however, I heartily endorse. Animals should be removed from circuses. And replaced with washed-up Reality TV stars.

In 2010, now a legitimate celebrity – because that’s how these things work apparently – Chantelle entered the Big Brother house again for Ultimate Big Brother.

Riding high on the crest of public recognition once again, she released this workout video.
The DVD front cover shows how Chantelle shed the flab via the age old method of holding her belly in and cracking a smile.

Not to mention changing into a pink push-up bra and matching knickers and dying her hair blonde. Weirdly none of these techniques are demonstrated on the DVD although there was a voucher for La Senza which expired in June 2011. If only I hadn’t been nineteen months too late, I could have done the workout in a La Senza bra and immersed myself in the full Chantelle experience.

The full Chantelle Experience

Chantelle is aided in her workout by Ben Poole from the No.1 Boot Camp. (That’s their name by the way, I haven’t carried out an independent study of Boot Camps and ranked them accordingly.) No.1 Boot Camp carry out residential fitness courses which Chantelle completed before releasing the DVD. She describes the Workout as “Boot Camp, but without the mud!”

Boot Camp with the mud.

In her introduction Chantelle says “Honestly, I’m just a normal girl who has to exercise and eat healthily to stay in shape.” Which is reassuring for anyone who thought she might be a cyborg.

She tells that the motivation for deciding to get into shape was that someone asked her if she was pregnant “when obviously I wasn’t”. Since she really doesn’t look as though she’s carrying any extra weight, I think it may have been something other than her belly size that triggered the question . Maybe she was eating gherkins and ice cream at 3 o’clock in the morning while flicking through a Baby Bjorn catalogue.

Chantelle with her daughter and a genuine celebrity.

She wasn't pregnant with this baby at the time of the workout. That all happened later.

 Trainer Ben’s hardly a one-man charisma party but he gets the job done. This workout is relentlessly dull and repetitive which may well be the definition of a boot camp workout. The warm-up is literally ten minutes of jogging on the spot.

Chantelle’s input is minimal and in a slight variation on the norm, our celebrity is the go-to person for the easier workout version while Ben demonstrates the harder versions. At the beginning of the Upper Body workout Chantelle tells us that is will get rid of our bingo wings. She then says it again at the end. She has clearly been instructed not to speak at all apart from her carefully scripted sentence at either end of the workout.

  Would I do this workout again?
The workouts are dull. The trainer is dull. Chantelle is dull. I honestly think I may be the only person in the world who has watched this DVD from beginning to end. I bet even Chantelle’s mum hasn’t bothered. I can’t think of a single reason to subject myself to it again.

Worst Bit
We’re back to plinky-plonky music which in this case reminded me of playing the PS One game “Mary Kate and Ashley’s Magical Mystery Mall”.

Pixellated Olsen Twins showing more natural screen presence than Chantelle

Best Bit.
There wasn’t one. Even buying the DVD was an exercise in disappointment. I shelled out £3 in HMV for this workout. Three whole pounds! You can almost buy a cup of coffee for that. I then discovered that Poundland practically had a whole shelf of the damn things,

Supporting both HMV and Chantelle’s media career at one stroke could be considered an act of benevolence, of course, but I’m not sure either one is worth saving.