Sunday, 25 August 2013

Keith Lemon – Keith Lemon’s Fit

As with many of the celebrities whose workouts are featured here, I am unfamiliar with Lemon’s television work. I understand that he has hosted a game show called Celebrity Juice and has made a film so presumably he’s doing alright for himself. He is also the power behind a charity called Lemonaid which he mentions on the DVD.
Contact them now. Lemon is almost slightly sure that’s the right web address.

For this workout, Lemon is joined by Deanne Berry who is best known for appearing as a fitness instructor in Eric Prydz’s ‘Call on Me’ music video and popular masturbation aid. Aside from the occasional ‘Punching –in-Face’ or ‘Exposing-Erect-Penis’ incident, the pair seem to have pretty good chemistry.

The workout sections include a warm up, Hi Energy, Combat, Balls on the Floor, Shake Yer Booty and Berry’s innovative swimming pool based routine – Wetercise.

Balls on the Floor

Throughout the workouts Lemon uses a revolutionary device called a Keith Kam to provide a POV perspective and allow us to see Deanne’s signature moves up close. He is at great pains to point out to Deanne and the other girls that it’s not just about getting minge shots. Which goes to show how new both of them are to the Celebrity Workout DVD. Most of the DVDs we’ve covered have probably included a dedicated ‘Minge Cameraman’ on the team in order to ensure that we are never more than 5 minutes away from a woman’s gyrating pelvis.

Arses as well as minge. The Keith Kam is nothing if not versatile.

As well as the workouts, Lemon provides plenty of useful DVD extras including a visit to a laughter therapist and a makeover sessions with his highly informative stylist, Arabella.
“So what’s going to happen here?”
“I’m gonna give him some clothes and he’s gonna try them on.”

Overall I think Lemon provides some common sense to the flibbertigibbet world of Celebrity workouts. Most celebs shout out “You’re looking good!” by way of encouragement. Only Lemon has the foresight to add “Well, I don’t know that ’cos I can’t actually see ya.”Likewise the disclaimer at the start of the workout is much more useful than the usual nonsense.

Lemon also includes a video diary of his week in getting in shape before making the DVD. It includes the more swingball action than all the other fitness DVDs put together.


Best Bit
Oh you know how I am about music on Celebrity workout DVDs. The minute I detect a plinky plonky soundtrack, I want to go and punch an orphan in the face. No worries about that here. Lemon’s mate’s band provide the music. Live on set!

“They nearly went in for the X-Factor. But they didn’t go in for it.”
Worst Bit
Well the tension between Lemon and Berry can get a bit much sometimes. No-one needs the upset of seeing Berry storming out over a penis-based misunderstanding. As Lemon says “Most women like to look at my penis. I’ve got a really nice penis. It’s right smooth like a dolphin’s beak.” They do get it sorted out though after he tells her that he’s more sorry “than Ronan Keating where he wrote that song where he said that he was sorry and that’s all he could say but he said more things, I know, because it was a full song.”
Not porn

Apparently, Berry was 76% angry with Lemon that the workout has become a soft porn debacle.  Lemon replies that he knows what soft porn is but doesn’t know what a debacle means. I’m bringing it up because I wanted to mention the word ‘porn’ as often as possible for Search Engine Optimisation purposes.  ‘Porn’ is the eighth most popular search term that leads people to CLCW, you know. Jordan’s pinktastic workout led to me repeatedly saying the word like I was suffering from a bout of oddly specific Tourettes.
Also not porn

Hi guys! While I appreciate that CLCW might not be exactly what you ‘porn’ searchers are after, it’s nice to have you all here, anyway. Sorry about your mum putting parental controls on your laptop. Here’s a picture of Deanne Berry’s arse:
Similar to porn. Still not porn though.

Difficulty Level
Although few of us can dare to aspire to have a body like Lemon’s – Berry describes it as a ‘natural dancer’s body’ - this DVD does attempt to penetrate the mysteries of exercise so that they can be understood by scum like us. Lemon’s best tip concerns speed walking where he advises us to walk as though we have a pickled onion clenched between our butt cheeks that we don’t want to drop.

He also recommends jumping over your sofa three times a day for great cardio.

Would I do this Workout again?
It’s a possibility. Particularly if I want to brush up on my swingball technique or gain some more insight into how to “Run a lamp post. Walk a lamp post.”

Run a lamp post

Walk a lamp post.
Run a lamp post
Walk a lamp post.
Shit. Another lamp post.

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