Sunday, 8 September 2013

David Haye – Box and Tone

David Haye is a former heavyweight boxing champion and a former unified world cruiserweight champion. He holds the The Ring counterweight title which I assume means he was best in the world at defending himself against straggly-haired Japanese girls crawling out of television sets.

Aren't you a tad overdressed there, Dave?

Boxing’s not really my thing, to be honest. I’m not sure if I’ve just been unlucky but any time I’ve tried to watch it, it always seems to turn into a fight.

He's clearly very good at it. His nickname is “The Hayemaker” which as it turns it out is a clever play on his name and a type of boxing move. It’s not, as you might have supposed, a reference to the Canadian punk band.

Everybody, sing along!

David Haye was in the jungle last year in I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. He came 3rd while fellow C-List Celebber, Charlie Brooks took the 1st place spot. Interestingly, Ashley Roberts of the Pussycat Dolls came 2nd. 2012 could have almost boasted a CLCW hat-trick were it not for the fact that the Pussycat Dolls workout doesn’t have the Pussycat Dolls in it.

Charlie and David demonstrate the fundamental interconnectedness of all things.

The workout is a no nonsense collections of punches, blocks and circuit training. “Whether you’re fit or not, don’t worry” says David. “You won’t be taking any punches here – just dishing them out.” 

Don’t get excited. None of the workouts actually afford you the opportunity to punch anybody. We punch the air while David talks us through it as though he expects us to have square off against an opponent at any moment. He admonishes us to keep our skulls protected while assuming the basic stance and shows us the best way to deflect a punch from a 20 stone man.  

It’s like he’s forgotten he’s making a fitness DVD and is instead preparing us for the forthcoming apocalypse where we will require the necessary skills to deflect jabs and uppercuts from unprovoked attackers at any moment.

Luckily, if that does happen, I am now slightly more ready for it than I was before I did the workout.
Never let your opponent turn you on your back like a cockroach

Best Bit
This is great fun. Who doesn’t like pretending to punch people while being spurred on by someone who PUNCHES PEOPLE AS A JOB. During the Shadow Boxing section, David wanders around his group of workout buddies and encourages them to throw their punches in his direction as hard as they can. I was quite jealous. That’s the kind of fitness trainer you want.

"Bow down before me, mortals"

Worst Bit
As you can see from the screenshots, the whole thing looks terribly dark and drab. I’m not sure if they just were intentionally trying to recreate the ambience of any underground fight club, but a few more lights wouldn’t have hurt.

And maybe some scatter cushions. An Athena poster or two. Brighten the place up a bit.

Weirdest Bit
At the beginning the DVD offers us the chance to select a left or right-handed option so that we can watch the version where David mirrors our movements. It’s like he really cares about each and every one of us. Even freaky left-handers.

You're offering me too much choice, David!

Difficulty Level
David is adamant that this workout is for everyone regardless of fitness levels. The workout includes easy versions of squats, press-ups and star jumps. Because, he recognises, not everyone has been working out quite as intensively as he has for the last 20 years. It’s still ridiculously difficult. I’m not sure when the last time I worked out this hard for a celebrity.  I think he might have scared me into it.

How can you say 'no' to this man?

Would I do this workout again?
Oh yes. At the end of the Warm Down, David says “If you stick with this training programme, I guarantee you’ll be part of Team Hayemaker in no time.”

Because let’s face it, when I find myself in the Full-on Streets of Rage post-apocalyptic future, that David has been preparing me for, I definitely want to be part of Team Hayemaker.

Bring it on

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