Sunday, 22 September 2013

Lorraine Kelly – Walk Off The Pounds

This is an extraordinarily mumsy workout. I don’t mean that in a disparaging way – some of my best friends are mums. In fact, I’m a mum, come to think of it. I appreciate that being a female who has given birth in the past isn’t really a defining characteristic. And yet! This is an extraordinarily mumsy DVD none-the-less. I blame Lorraine Kelly who looks like she should be  chirpily running the tombola at a primary school fete. And all the emphasis on just doing 10 minutes worth of exercise here and there so that you can fit it around your busy lifestyle. And the fact that the trainer, Jane Wake, is clutching a baby in the intro section. That ramps the mumsiness right up.

Cute baby too. I mean, he’s no Geri Halliwell’s dog, obviously, but it’s nice to have him around.

“If I had two of these, I could use them as weights.”

We’re promised a unique range of power workout routines along with handy hints and a diary plan to get us walking. Fucked if I can find the diary plan anywhere on this DVD. Admittedly given the quality of the rest of the DVD it’d probably be a scan of a page-per-view diary with “WALK” biroed on 4 of the days.

The cheapness is apparent everywhere on this workout. There are only two camera angles and I don’t think either of them was managed by a professional cameraman. One looks like it’s the security camera and the other is probably the webcam on Lorraine’s laptop. 

Found footage.

I assume that the workout is being shot in Lorraine’s living room. If so, she’s fortunate to have a room big enough to do the 10 steps forward, 10 to the side workout that Jane has devised for us. Luckily I had the foresight to adapt the routine for my available space rather than just striding purposefully into the wall every 30 seconds.

You may need to push your sofa back and knock a  few walls down.

There’s not much instruction as far as actual walking goes which was a tad disappointing. I mean, sure I think I know how to walk but I bet I’m doing it all wrong, really. I wanted to see Lorraine and Jane in the park showing me how to do the big stridey swingy-arms walking that we keep seeing glimpses of.

Big Stridey Swingy-Arms Walking. But How?

Instead we get a warm-up, Pilates stretch, some strength exercise and a couple of aerobic workouts which are disappointing called “Power Aerobics 1” and “Power Aerobics 2.” What were you thinking? Surely, “Powerobics” was just staring you in the face?

Or what about Porobics? 

Lorraine is best known for presenting all kinds of early morning television programmes like GMTV and Daybreak. I don’t ever watch breakfast television. I feels it’s a bit scandalous to watch television at 7 o’clock in the morning – in the same way that it would be to have a glass of wine or visit a casino at that time of day.
Lorraine also provides the narration for Raa Raa the Noisy Lion, for which I respect her.

She seems like a nice lady. I was pleased to discover that Amazon offers Lorraine Kelly merchandise including phone socks with pictures of her looking delightful on them. Although disappointingly, looking at the pictures I don’t think they actually exist yet. The stitching on those cases looks suspiciously familiar in both photos, don’t you think?
Hey, just what are you trying to pull here, internet?

Excited beyond measure  by the prospect of owning a Lorraine Kelly phone sock, fridge magnet or tea towel , I decided to check out whether any other C-List Celebber goodies are available.

It’s a rich seam, let me tell you. I was pretty impressed with this “I love Coleen Nolan" mug I especially liked the use of the “violent sociopath”  font.

This Natalie Cassidy wall clock is clearly a thing of beauty and it comes signed by the artist! I don’t know in this case if the artist is the person who took the photograph or whether it’s the person who downloaded the picture from Google images and stuck a clock mechanism in the middle of her face. It’s art either way of course. It’s just a pity that the picture was taken at five to two. If the hands had been at 20 past eight , Natalie would have a full Pancho Villa moustache.

However, The  C-List Celebrity merchandise winner has to be these amazing Lucy Benjamin postcards. Tell me these little beauties aren’t something that we all need in our lives.

I couldn’t let a bit of quality merchandise like that pass me by without commendation. I doubt they’re lacking interested buyers but I’ve done my bit to help them anyway and  provided  a suitably enthusiastic review on Amazon. You’re  welcome, world.

Worst Bit
Oh god, why the stupid repetitive non-music, why? If you’ve got this little regard for using something that’s pleasant to listen why don’t you just use printer noises as a backdrop and be done with it.

Difficulty Level,
Once you’ve adjusted for not having a living room the size of a football field, this is quite a satisfying workout. Sure it gets a bit repetitive but that just means no-one’s planning to spring any dance moves on me which can only be a good thing.

Lorraine looks unsure about this.

Would I do this workout again?

Oh I don’t know Lorraine. It was fun and all but I’m just not sure. Although it occurs to me that once I see your lovely face looking back at me from my phone sock every day, I will probably find it hard to keep away. 

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