Sunday, 17 March 2013

Penny Lancaster – Ultimate Body Workout

The DVD I have is titled the “Hot Legs Workout” and in tiny writing on the back of the box, is the message “previously released as the Ultimate Body Workout” which is the name that’s splashed throughout the DVD on the menu, credits and before every single section.

You can't fool me. I can read words.

So why change it? Is there a “Hot Legs” reference I’m not getting? Or is this a cunning ploy to try to get people who loved the workout under its original name to accidentally buy it all over again. In which case, shame on you, Penny Lancaster!
The DVD I had looked like the cover had been badly printed on a printer that was running out of yellow. It was definitely legit though, I bought it in Poundland. It still had the cellophane on it and everything,

Nothing but the best for you people

Penny Lancaster is a model, reality show star and the wife of croaky voiced crooner, Rod Stewart for the past five years. The pair presumably having bonded over their shared love of big shaggy hairstyles.
For the workout, Penny is joined by her qualified fitness instructor brother Oliver Lancaster and his girlfriend Louise Crocker.

I have no idea why.
The pair literally do not say a word for the entirety of the DVD.  Penny takes centre stage and does all the talking. The other two just silently get on with her routine in the background. I’m not sure they even make eye contact with her.

I worry they might have had a massive spat just before shooting and Penny cut all her brother’s lines along with a planned “Robot-style Jazzacise” routine in the middle.
Do not say a word, you two.
Penny herself is a trained aerobics instructor and used to do this sort of thing for a living before she took up modelling and married into pop royalty. She tells us that these are her own personally choreographed routines and excitedly tells us that the routines contain:

  • Muscular Strength & Endurance exercises
  • Aerobics
  • Cardio-Vascular exercises
  • Boxing
  • Dance
  • Yoga
  • Pilates
  • Even Floor Work!
Even Floor Work? Seriously, Penny? You thought that was the best one to leave to the end, did you? That was the special treat that would get us all excited.
Penny Lancaster : A Model
This picture has nothing to do with the previous sentence.

For all its build up, it’s a pretty humdrum set of exercises to be honest.  Maybe I’ve just been spoilt by other celebrities.

The warm up reminded me of the Wii Fit Step. It consisted of taking steps to forward then the odd step to the side. All it really lacked was an audience of Miis living in a world so starved of entertainment that they’ll applaud wildly at anything.
This is the level of appreciation I need
The DVD extras contain an interview with Penny with a very over-excited interviewer who doesn’t seem to warrant a mention on the credits.  I bet she’s a T4 presenter. She’s got that vibe about her.

Who is this woman?

“So” our unnamed lady squeaks, “Rod’s inside having lunch! You’ve got the beach outside! And you’re just about to shoot a fitness video! Is this just a normal day in your life?!”

To be fair, love, her husband having his lunch probably is a fairly routine occurrence. I don’t believe Rod was really on set. Surely they’d have dragged him in for one scene just so they could stick a special “Appearance by Rod Stewart!” sticker on the box. He wouldn’t have to do a routine or anything. Maybe just dribble a football in the back of the shot in order to sprinkle some A List Celebrity fairydust on the whole endeavour.

Penny takes her man for a walk

Still, young Penny is clearly a strong, independent woman.  She was originally approached to make a fitness DVD as a model alongside her very own Radu Teodorescu or Roy Gayle. But she was clearly all “Nu-Uh. You think I got those aerobics instructor certificates for nothing? I’m running this show!”
She says that she took the project on 5 weeks before the shooting began. Initially, it sounds like short notice but if you think about it all, she had to do was come up with some routines – which she claims she does all the time in her real life anyway.  I doubt very much she had to take responsibility for booking the location or hiring the camera crew. Hell, I reckon even I could throw together a fitness video in less than 5 weeks. Mine wouldn’t have Rod Stewart in it either.
Of course, Rod really should release his own workout.
Best Bit
Penny tells us about her eating habits. Initially maintaining that she eats just a regular person, she then recommends that rather than eat chocolate, you should just sniff instead as a low calorie alternative. I’m not sure anyone who can pick chocolate up, smell it and then set it down again is an actual human being. When hostile aliens start infiltrating our planet and attempting to disguise themselves among us, this is one of the tests that humans will use.

This lovely Penny Lancaster collage was on
I think it may be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Worst Bit
The style in which this workout is shot with colour footage intercut with grainy black and white is reminiscent of fellow model Cindy Crawford’s workouts. I suspect that she is deliberately paying homage. Which seems a bit sad, really. Penny Lancaster is literally the poundshop Cindy Crawford.
Using one colour camera and one black and white camera, she could have paid homage the Blair Witch Project instead. That would have been great.  Everyone loves Celebrity Workouts. Everybody loves horror. Why has nobody ever made a crossover?

Difficulty Level
Silent Louise was quietly getting on with the beginner level moves in the background but nothing was all that taxing here. Which on the one hand is great because I like my life to be easy but on the other hand, leads me to suspect that Penny doesn’t just rely on these moves in order to keep herself in shape. I suppose sniffing your food rather than actually eating it must help though.
Would I do this work out again?
Nah, life’s too short to be joining uninteresting models jogging on the spot in locations that are presumably meant to look tropical but actually look a bit cold and windy.

Unlike this sunny location where Rod is literally having to use his wife as a sunshade.

Although, if she keeps releasing this workout under different names, there’s every chance that I’ll review the “Penny Lancaster: Wearing Shorts by a Swimming Pool Workout” or something in a year’s time and just think the whole thing looks terribly familiar.

1 comment:

  1. Not so cute, should that same burp come from an adult. Not that I'd be patting an adult on the back, view publisher site