Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Katie Price - The Jordan Workout

Wikipedia lists Katie’s Prices career achievements as: media personality, author, former glamour model, occasional singer and businesswoman. It’s a pretty underwhelming set of achievements, really.

As an author, every one of her 38 books has been written by someone else. The glamour modelling with which she first came to the public’s attention is now just a ‘former’ occupation. And is there any adjective damning with more faint praise than ‘occasional’ singer? All we’re left with really is “personality” and ‘businesswoman”. Jordan makes money out of her selling herself.

Not that she's pretended otherwise, to be fair

This workout DVD was brought out in 2005, the year after she appeared on ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of here’ where she hooked up with 90s pop star Peter Andre. They were married in September 2005. Jordan tells us that she adopted this workout following the birth of her second child in June of that year in order to get back into shape for her wedding.

Jordan and Andre just before Junior's birth. I can't believe it didn't work out for these two crazy kids.

As Jordan tells us ‘I was due to get married AND go on my honeymoon.' What are the chances, eh? Both those things happening at the same time.

She also tells us that she had never dieted or exercised in her life. This comes across as an admission that as she neither really needed to lose weight, nor enjoys exercise, she was blatantly releasing a workout DVD for the cash.

The DVD itself is fine. It appears to be literally set in Barbie’s Fashion Fairytale Palace. If ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ were still around, I’d be convinced that dressing the set had been left to a very lucky six year old girl who had a whale of time purchasing fluffy lights, disco balls and novelty seating.

Oh, I see, it's a shoe

Trainer Richard Callender tries to counteract the girliness by using lots of boxing expressions and frequently reminding us that he’s heterosexual.

There’s lots of punching and jumping and stretching. None of the sequences are difficult to follow. This is probably for Jordan’s benefit, who really doesn’t look like she’s done this (or probably any) workout before. Plus she really doesn’t seem all that bright, bless her. Richard tries to engage her in conversation during the workout. When he asks her how she’s down during the warm-up, she replies perkily “Warming up!” – a pretty typical Jordan comment. Her internal thought processes seem to be a running commentary of whatever she’s doing at a given moment.

I’m not sure who this DVD is aimed at. As I said, it looks like it’s set in a child’s bedroom. Trainer, Richard has a great line in cheery encouragement that I’m sure would endear him to middle aged women. Jordan, though, seems to think she’s making the softest of all softcore porn movies. It’s all low cut tops, bouncing, bending over and telling us how hot she’s feeling. For most of the workout she wears a pink miniskirt over a white leotard thus giving the impression of an upskirt panty shot every time she moves her legs.

Except that anyone with an amorous interest in Jordan wouldn’t be seeking gratification from a workout DVD surely? It would be a pretty rum state of affairs if this DVD were the only thing you could rustle up as a wanking aid. I believe they even have porn on the internet these days.

This is the first picture you get if you type 'porn' into a Google Image Safe Search. Wait, Is that a rubber band round his hand? What on earth is he planning to do with that?

Best Bit
Knowing that this workout allowed Jordan to look so lovely at her wedding to Peter Andre.

Worst Bit
Knowing that the marriage was doomed to failure. Poor sweet ignorant 2005 Jordan. What know you of life?

Difficulty Level
Easy peasy. Although I did leave out the “Hard Core” section. Which was a killer abs session, incidentally. I’m not returning to my previous pornography digression.

Would I do this workout again?
No. It wasn’t the worst workout I’ve done by a long way. However, watching the Jordan Workout once can be considered a duty. Watching the Jordan Workout twice looks like an indulgence. I do have to live with myself, you know.

1 comment: