Sunday, 23 June 2013

Ministry of Sound – Pump It Up! Beach Body

This is the “ultimate summer workout” according to the DVD cover. So this seemed the perfect time of year to do it.

We have just had Midsummer’s day and are enjoying the grey skies, blustery winds and relentless fucking drizzle that the summer season brings. Not to mention enjoying traditional summer activities like having a warming bowl of soup and putting an extra jumper on.

This is pretty much the view out of my window right now.

The Minister of Sound (who is I assume is responsible for all fitness DVDs put out by his ministry) chose to shoot this DVD in Florida. Because they do summer better than us over there.

Shot on location at Royal Flamingo Villas, Florida. Royal flamingos not pictured.

The dance workout is led by a chirpy Dubliner called Fiona. Well, I say ‘dance workout’ because that’s what was promised on the cover. But you can’t always trust stuff by its cover as it turns out. Someone should put together a handy aphorism about that.

Whereas Dee and Sonia promised a cardio-vascular workout and gave me a dance routine the other week, this one acts like it’s going to be a bunch of impossible dance moves and then turns out to be mostly squats, lunges, sit-ups and the like. So that was nice.

The gang are a bunch of very pretty scantily dressed ladies and a chap called Steven. Who is also sometimes scantily dressed – he takes his top off during the “Get Buff” section. Presumably in order to demonstrate what ‘buff’ looks like.
Pictured: buff

Fiona often forgets Steven is back there and is constantly shouting things like “Come on sexy girls!” throughout the workout. Only remembering to tag on a hasty “... and Steven!” every fourth time or so.

He gets his own back by halfheartedly sexually harassing her during the dance segment.

Fiona has taken the surprising decision to do the whole thing in her underwear. Seemingly taking the view that its fine to wear your bra and knickers in public as long as you have another bra and pair of knickers on underneath. Either that or she forgot her gym kit on the day and the Minister of Sound made her do the whole thing in her pants.

It's a thing.

Best Bit
The DVD packaging contains a short bio of each of our dance crew. I have sprinkled the bios generously throughout this review for your pleasure. Because whose viewing pleasure isn't increased by knowing that  Janine cried on the plane watching a Bollywood film and that Steven has a dog called Gizmo?

Worst Bit
You can can go a bit overboard with behind-the-scenes information, you know. The lengthy tedious ‘Making Of’ short which accompanies this DVD is a masterclass in pointing a video camera at any old shit and uploading it. It’s like a spectacularly dull episode of The Apprentice.

We spend a bizarrely long time with watching all the people who auditioned to be in it. 
Bunch of Losers. Every one of you.

Even turning up topless didn't help Kellie land the role.

Then there’s a bit where Janine stands around awkwardly for about six minutes while someone off-camera muses on what colour headband she should wear. I bet she was delighted that section made it onto the DVD in its entirety.

No really. Carry on. It’s fascinating.

Weirdest bit
This is the first Workout DVD we've featured that attempts to flog you the music as a ringtone. Perhaps it works by association and every time someone phones, you'd immediately start stretching your arms and doing lunges.

Difficulty Level
Given that there wasn't much dancing and it was mostly bending or stretching bits of you, this workout was rather easier than I expected it to be.

Would I do this workout again?
During her intro, Fiona says “We’re on the beach because it’s that time of year again when you've got to think about squeezing  yourself into skimpy summer clothing and – god forbid – even a bikini.”

God forbid? I don’t believe for a moment that Fiona has the slightest trepidation about putting on a bikini.

And given that I can probably comfortably go through the rest of this summer dressed in thick tights and a cable knit sweater, I don’t think I’ll bother.

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