After last week’s Hollyoaks workout, now it’s Coronation Street’s turn. CLCW is clearly on a mission to prove that Eastenders doesn’t hold the monopoly on soap star related fitness DVDs.
Unlike Eastenders which takes place amongst the civilised postcodes of the South East of England, Coronation Street is set in the grim North and is full of characters who train whippets, make hotpots and speak as they find. Probably. Despite it being the world's longest-running TV soap opera in production, I’ve never actually watched an episode and have extrapolated all my understanding of the show from its theme music.
This week’s celebrity played Janice Battersby , the street’s loudmouth factory worker. Is there are a more northern-sounding name than Janice Battersby?
Well, yes there is. Vicky Entwistle. The name of the actress who played her.
Entwistle. Entwistle. It’s great, isn’t it? “Get Entwistle over t’mill. One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.”
Occasionally Coronation Street required her to dress as the Queen
Vicky Entwistle, like so many soap stars before her, has suffered the trauma of having her photograph taken from an unflattering angle by the tabloid paparazzi while daring to sport a swimming costume, no make-up and post-swimming hair.
Now much as I hate the shrub-skulking lowlifes who contribute these photos to the UK’s most exploitative newspapers, they do seem to provide the catalyst for a lot of the celebrity workouts that get reviewed here. Perhaps I should concede that there is some virtue in what they do. Well, that’s clearly not going to happen. Total fucking scum. Every one of them.
Losing 2 stone and releasing a fitness DVD is one response. This would have been another.
In addition to losing 2 and a half stone, Vicky has also dropped 10 dress sizes which is a pretty startling weight loss/ dress size conversion rate however you slice it. Still given the disparity between size measurements across shops, I could drop 6 dress sizes just by selecting different items of clothing from my wardrobe so maybe that accounts for some of it.
Although there was definitely exercise involved as well.
Not that she isn’t clearly a fraction of the lady she used to be. “I know I’m never going to be a supermodel,” she says in her introduction. “But I’m gobsmacked how much I’ve changed.” She seems like a nice lady. For the workout, she’s rocking a vest-top and shorts combo which make her look ever so slightly like a tennis ball.
Ceci n'est pas une balle de tennis.
Vicky is joined by trainer Richard Callender who we last saw humouring Katie Price in the Jordan workout. He was also one of the trainers on the The Biggest Loser although it is hard to imagine as he seems like an absolute sweetie.
The sections of the workout are the Warm Up, Fat Burner, Body Tone and Belly Shrinker. The exercises are rather great. At the end of the cool down Vicky says, “Now I have to be honest with you. The first time I did this, I couldn’t walk for a couple of days afterwards.” You’re telling me this now, Entwistle? Don’t you think it’s a bit late for that? I may have stuff to do over the next couple of days that requires the use of my legs.
It’s now 24 hours since I did these exercises and luckily I don’t
seem to have any trouble walking. Perhaps I wasn’t pushing myself enough or maybe I’m a lot fitter than Vicky was at the
beginning of her fitness regime. It’s more than likely that Vicky has a tendency
towards hyperbole. Actors often do, you know. Even the straight-talking
At the end of the obligatory “Making Of” DVD extra, we are shown Vicky variously eating a chocolate cupcake, drinking champagne and feeding Richard something that looks suspiciously like mashed potato with a massive spoon – like a baffling re-imagining of Bodger and Badger. I applaud such behaviour in a C-List Workout celeb. You wouldn’t get it from Penny “Chocolate Sniffer” Lancaster.
There are times during the workout that Richard has a perceptible outline round his head as though he has been super-imposed in the workout room via the magic of film camera trickery.
Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
I was going to make a joke about how the whole thing was really recorded in an alien space-station or in a magical fairy kingdom and they blue-screened it to make Richard appear like he was in a perfectly normal fitness studio.
Thing is, I’ve watched the DVD extra and it really does look like some of it was filmed in front a blue screen. I have no idea what’s real and what isn’t any more. Maybe none of these DVDs are really real. Maybe they just exist so that I can review them here like some kind of massively unsuccessful version of the Truman Show.
"That's great Vicky. Now we'll just get our CGI guys to painstakingly create an unremarkable workout space around you."
Is Richard Callender even a real person? I mean, sure I’ve seen him in the DVD extras but you know what, I’ve seen Buzz Lightyear in DVD extras and I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of trickery involved there too.
Yet another pointless eating plan. There isn’t sufficient information here to plan anything. If the DVD producers aren't going to get Vicky back in to talk us through it and wave some Mange Tout at the camera, then quite frankly I’m not interested.
Or maybe dress as some Mange Tout. That would be good.
There are two types of ‘difficult’ when it comes to C-List Celebrity Workouts. Difficult to understand and difficult to do. It’s possible for a workout to be difficult because the instructor rattled through the instructions, didn’t really explain where your legs had to go and then expected to change from squats to lunges on no notice. It doesn’t mean that the workout necessarily did you much good.
Ideally you want the workout to be easy to understand but a bit of a challenge to complete which is exactly what Vicky Entwistle delivers here. Well, Richard Callender really deserves the credit but he wasn’t a cast member in the Best British Soap 2013 (according to the British Soap awards) so sorry, Rich.
Everything is explained properly and demonstrated before you need to do it. In the warm-up section Richard introduces the new moves one at a time after making us complete the routine each time from the start. It’s the exercise version of that memory game where one person says “I want to the shops...” and you have to keep adding things to the list until someone forgets it.
Got this on your CV, Callender? No, didn't think so.
Would I do this workout again?