Mel B – Totally Fit

Who remembers the mid to late 1990s? What a crazy heady time that was. Post classical neo-feminist empowerment was in the air and the world embraced Girl Power. Not to mention spicing up our lives and really, really wanting to zigazig ha.

Hi Ci Ya, hold tight, sisters.

The Spice Girls ruled supreme in every corner of our lives. We ate Spice Girls crisps, drank Spice Girls Pepsi, laughed, cried and grew damn near hysterical watching the Spiceworld movie.

Weird thing is, this is just what all of them threw on that morning. The Pepsi photoshoot was pure coincidence.

Quite frankly, if you weren’t decked out in a Union Jack minidress, doing backflips and persuading your dad to cover your bedroom walls in Spice Girls wallpaper then you were doing the 1990s wrong.

It didn’t last of course. It couldn’t. Something that beautiful couldn’t exist in this world forever. Geri Halliwell left the group 1998 and the rest of the girls went their separate ways in 2000. But the universe remained a better place for having once having had the Spice Girls in it.

Afterwards, the Queen was like “Oh my god, they actually spoke to me! It was so cool.”

The girls went on to their new solo lives and mostly released songs that nobody  really remembers.

Mel B here (Scary Spice as was) seems to have devoted herself to appearing  as a judge on all the significant TV talent shows – Dancing with the stars, Australia’s  X-Factor, America’s Got Talent. If it’s got one of those fancy judges desks and isn’t in the UK then apparently, she’s all over it.

She released this workout DVD in 2008. You know how celebs usually get their trainer to do all the work? Not our Mel. She doesn’t need some professional bellowing out instructions. She’s more than capable of doing her own bellowing. That’s girl power for you. The Spice Girls made that sort of thing possible, of course. Women weren’t allowed to host their own fitness DVDs before “Viva Forever” was released. Or vote, probably.

Just look at the empowerment on display.

Mel does her workout in front of some very pretty in LA, accompanied by four backing exercisers. I don’t really know what purpose they serve as they are all doing exactly the same moves as Mel. Still, I’m sure Mel was happy to have them there. They probably all re-enacted the ‘Wannabe’ music video during their downtime.

"If you wanna be my lover, you better get with my friends."

Speaking of ‘Wannabe’, I looked up the lyrics to Mel and Geri’s rapping bit earlier because it occurred to me that I don’t really know what they’re saying. I think it’s fair to say that I have considerably less idea what they’re going on about now I’ve read the lyrics.

What? I mean seriously, what?

Mel provides a lot of helpful instruction and advice throughout the workout. You may well miss it though because it’s interspersed with Mel just shouting out any old rubbish which pops into her head. “Suck it in! Suck it in, brothers and sisters! This is crazy stuff! The sweat’s dripping down my back! Working OUT!”

On and on and on it goes. It’s quite impressive really. If Mel’s heavy breathing is anything to go by, then she’s seriously puffed out for most of this workout and yet she still manages to give us a word-by-word update of her stream of consciousness.

That’s just the Spice Girls all over, though. Going the extra mile. You wouldn’t get that sort of commitment from B*witched.

Best Bit

Ah Melanie, Melanie, Melanie. It’s like you heard you heard my frequent complaints in the last few weeks about the rubbish diet plans that get included in Celeb workouts and decided to remedy this by nipping back in time and presenting a properly put together nutrition segment five years ago. Thanks mate. I appreciate it.

That's egg white mashed with turkey on the plate. Mmm.

Worst Bit.

This isn’t Mel’s fault but I have realised that with Mel B’s Totally Fit and Geri Halliwell’s yoga stuff, I have exhausted the supply of Spice Girls who have released Celebrity Workout DVDs.  This is the band who set new benchmarks in product promotion, advertising deals and shameless over-exposure. Why have only two fifths of them exploited the most obvious celebrity cash-in opportunity available? Pull your fingers out, Sporty, Baby and Posh. I want to see workout DVDs in the shops from each of you by Christmas 2014.

Pictured: Impressive levels of shamelessness

Difficulty.

This was relentless and exhausting. And pretty much impossible as far as I was concerned.  Mel clearly likes to push herself to the limit. My limits are so much lower.

I found this one easier if you just kept your whole body on the ground.

She’d be a terrifying personal trainer. “On the floor! No stopping! No resting! Don’t even think about what’s going on! Just do it!” she barks.

Because clearly she hates me and she wants me to suffer.

Would I do this workout again?

Given that I probably managed about 10% of the exercises included in the ten million sections on this DVD, I suppose I probably ought to. I would hate for Mel B to find out that I didn’t. I have a feeling she might hunt me down and I am not sure I could handle the relentless bellowing.

You do not mess with this woman. She's ... ooh, what's the word?