David Haye – Box and Tone

David Haye is a former heavyweight boxing champion and a former unified world cruiserweight champion. He holds the The Ring counterweight title which I assume means he was best in the world at defending himself against straggly-haired Japanese girls crawling out of television sets.

Aren't you a tad overdressed there, Dave?

Boxing’s not really my thing, to be honest. I’m not sure if I’ve just been unlucky but any time I’ve tried to watch it, it always seems to turn into a fight.

He's clearly very good at it. His nickname is “The Hayemaker” which as it turns it out is a clever play on his name and a type of boxing move. It’s not, as you might have supposed, a reference to the Canadian punk band.

Everybody, sing along!

David Haye was in the jungle last year in I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. He came 3^rd while fellow C-List Celebber, Charlie Brooks took the 1^st place spot. Interestingly, Ashley Roberts of the Pussycat Dolls came 2^nd. 2012 could have almost boasted a CLCW hat-trick were it not for the fact that the Pussycat Dolls workout doesn’t have the Pussycat Dolls in it.

Charlie and David demonstrate the fundamental interconnectedness of all things.

The workout is a no nonsense collections of punches, blocks and circuit training. “Whether you’re fit or not, don’t worry” says David. “You won’t be taking any punches here – just dishing them out.” 

Don’t get excited. None of the workouts actually afford you the opportunity to punch anybody. We punch the air while David talks us through it as though he expects us to have square off against an opponent at any moment. He admonishes us to keep our skulls protected while assuming the basic stance and shows us the best way to deflect a punch from a 20 stone man.  


It’s like he’s forgotten he’s making a fitness DVD and is instead preparing us for the forthcoming apocalypse where we will require the necessary skills to deflect jabs and uppercuts from unprovoked attackers at any moment.

Luckily, if that does happen, I am now slightly more ready for it than I was before I did the workout.

Never let your opponent turn you on your back like a cockroach

Best Bit

This is great fun. Who doesn’t like pretending to punch people while being spurred on by someone who PUNCHES PEOPLE AS A JOB. During the Shadow Boxing section, David wanders around his group of workout buddies and encourages them to throw their punches in his direction as hard as they can. I was quite jealous. That’s the kind of fitness trainer you want.

"Bow down before me, mortals"

Worst Bit

As you can see from the screenshots, the whole thing looks terribly dark and drab. I’m not sure if they just were intentionally trying to recreate the ambience of any underground fight club, but a few more lights wouldn’t have hurt.

And maybe some scatter cushions. An Athena poster or two. Brighten the place up a bit.

Weirdest Bit

At the beginning the DVD offers us the chance to select a left or right-handed option so that we can watch the version where David mirrors our movements. It’s like he really cares about each and every one of us. Even freaky left-handers.

You're offering me too much choice, David!

Difficulty Level

David is adamant that this workout is for everyone regardless of fitness levels. The workout includes easy versions of squats, press-ups and star jumps. Because, he recognises, not everyone has been working out quite as intensively as he has for the last 20 years. It’s still ridiculously difficult. I’m not sure when the last time I worked out this hard for a celebrity.  I think he might have scared me into it.

How can you say 'no' to this man?

Would I do this workout again?

Oh yes. At the end of the Warm Down, David says “If you stick with this training programme, I guarantee you’ll be part of Team Hayemaker in no time.”

Because let’s face it, when I find myself in the Full-on Streets of Rage post-apocalyptic future, that David has been preparing me for, I definitely want to be part of Team Hayemaker.

Bring it on

Lucy Benjamin - Dancercise

I have spent most of today learning about practical version control and building an SVN Repository. Because I’m doing a computing degree and that’s the kind of fun and exciting weekends I have. I like to kick back and create a repository, commit a few changes, create a tag here, a branch there, generate the occasional repository log message file until I start to slip into a tedium-induced coma and have to keep myself awake by plashing my skull repeatedly against the keyboard.

And then the face in my computer tells me to stop

And you know what the dullest part of my day was? The hour and a half I spent doing Lucy Benjamin’s Dancercise workout.

You may think that staring at a command screen until your eyeballs throb is tedious but seriously, try Lucy and trainer Fitz’s method of keeping fit by leaping to the side, stepping to the front and *clap!* repeated 5000 times. The entire DVD was like an endlessly repeating 3 second gif.

This is honestly all there is to it.

It doesn’t really help that there aren’t any proper separate sections. There are no scene or costume changes between the intriguingly named Workout 1 and Workout 2. There isn’t even a jingle or a fancy title graphic to break up the monotony. I originally quite liked Lucy’s pink joggers and wrap-around cardi. It seems like everyone’s been doing these DVDs in skimpy pants recently and I appreciated Lucy taking a more comfy approach. My enthusiasm waned after a while although I do respect her devotion to leisurewear.

The music is baffling and doesn’t add to the illusion that this is supposed to be a fun dance session. Most of it sounds like a TV theme tune. I kept feeling like they were actual proper programmes that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. One was a bit like Black Beauty and another was a bit like Hill Street Blues though neither is anywhere near as good as the originals. I imagine someone was commissioned at short notice to provide the theme music for a daytime TV show about farming or antiques or dogging or something and it got cancelled at the last minute. In which case it’s nice to know that they found some use for the music after all.

Lucy Benjamin is obviously most famous for playing the consistently miserable Lisa in Eastenders. She is part of the elite group of workout-releasing ex-Eastenders actors and features on CLCW's handy knowledge sheet.

Lucy’s early acting CV is even more impressive. Her very first TV role was on Doctor Who, for goodness sakes. Admittedly, it was only a couple of seconds long but Doctor Who! When the Doctor looked like Peter Davison!

80s style clothes of the future

You wouldn’t think you could top that but Lucy only went to star in Press Gang! Third person in the credits, no less, after Julia Sawalha and Dexter Fletcher.

I have resisted the urge to watch any Press Gang clips on YouTube because it’s ever so slightly possible that the show isn’t quite the epitome of unparalleled awesomeness that it is in my head. I was also concerned that I might fancy Spike as much as I did at the time and that fancying a teenager would make me feel grubby. Surprisingly, it turns out that Dexter Fletcher was in his mid-twenties when he played Spike. I can scarcely believe it. The man’s clearly an acting genius.

This was all I wanted in a man when I was 14. It still might be.

Lucy is currently performing in Hairspray as Velma Von Tussle. We can only hope that this keeps her far too busy to make any more workout DVDs.

Best Bit
Lucy’s fitness instructor is an enthusiastic gentleman called Fitzroy Gaynes. When Fitz wants us to take notice of a new move he’s going to demonstrate he gives us the ‘Visuals’ sign so we can all pay attention. This involves framing his eyes with v-shaped fingers. It’s like being given dancing instructions by Vince Vega from Pulp Fiction.

No wait a minute, it’s nothing like that. Vince Vega dancing lessons would be awesome. Although there might be the risk of accidentally snorting some heroin during the cool-down.

Worst Bit
Aside from the crappy workouts and the crappy music, there is unsurprisingly a crappy DVD extra. Here, Lucy has her face moisturised and massaged by a beautician where they discuss what Beauty treatments plebs like us might be able to do at home. Honey face masks and putting tea bags on eyes are mentioned. There’s nothing like having beauty recommendations made by someone who clearly isn’t going to try what they’re suggesting.

"As long as we keep talking I can claim this on expenses"

Difficulty Level
Well it’s dancing which makes it inherently difficult for me but it’s shit dancing so that helps a lot.

Sometimes you have to dance like nobody's watching. 

This is not one of those times.

Would I do this workout again?
No. There is almost nothing to redeem this DVD at all. At the end of the workouts, Lucy suggests that we invite our friends round to do this workout with us. She demonstrates this by having a few of her friends join in the next bit. In a twist on the classic line, Lucy says  “if they can do this, anyone can.” which seems a wee bit insulting to her friends.

You are all much more shit than me

Don’t get too excited about the friends workout by the way: they repeat one of the earlier workouts rather than do a new one and the whole thing lasts about 30 measly seconds.

So, no offence, Lucy but I really don’t think I’ll be inviting any of my friends round to do your workout any time soon. I’d sooner invite them round to build back-up version control repositories with me

Keith Lemon – Keith Lemon’s Fit

As with many of the celebrities whose workouts are featured here, I am unfamiliar with Lemon’s television work. I understand that he has hosted a game show called Celebrity Juice and has made a film so presumably he’s doing alright for himself. He is also the power behind a charity called Lemonaid which he mentions on the DVD.

Contact them now. Lemon is almost slightly sure that’s the right web address.

For this workout, Lemon is joined by Deanne Berry who is best known for appearing as a fitness instructor in Eric Prydz’s ‘Call on Me’ music video and popular masturbation aid. Aside from the occasional ‘Punching –in-Face’ or ‘Exposing-Erect-Penis’ incident, the pair seem to have pretty good chemistry.

The workout sections include a warm up, Hi Energy, Combat, Balls on the Floor, Shake Yer Booty and Berry’s innovative swimming pool based routine – Wetercise.

Balls on the Floor

Throughout the workouts Lemon uses a revolutionary device called a Keith Kam to provide a POV perspective and allow us to see Deanne’s signature moves up close. He is at great pains to point out to Deanne and the other girls that it’s not just about getting minge shots. Which goes to show how new both of them are to the Celebrity Workout DVD. Most of the DVDs we’ve covered have probably included a dedicated ‘Minge Cameraman’ on the team in order to ensure that we are never more than 5 minutes away from a woman’s gyrating pelvis.

Arses as well as minge. The Keith Kam is nothing if not versatile.

As well as the workouts, Lemon provides plenty of useful DVD extras including a visit to a laughter therapist and a makeover sessions with his highly informative stylist, Arabella.

“So what’s going to happen here?”

“I’m gonna give him some clothes and he’s gonna try them on.”

Overall I think Lemon provides some common sense to the flibbertigibbet world of Celebrity workouts. Most celebs shout out “You’re looking good!” by way of encouragement. Only Lemon has the foresight to add “Well, I don’t know that ’cos I can’t actually see ya.”Likewise the disclaimer at the start of the workout is much more useful than the usual nonsense.

Lemon also includes a video diary of his week in getting in shape before making the DVD. It includes the more swingball action than all the other fitness DVDs put together.

Trufact.

Best Bit

Oh you know how I am about music on Celebrity workout DVDs. The minute I detect a plinky plonky soundtrack, I want to go and punch an orphan in the face. No worries about that here. Lemon’s mate’s band provide the music. Live on set!

“They nearly went in for the X-Factor. But they didn’t go in for it.”

Worst Bit

Well the tension between Lemon and Berry can get a bit much sometimes. No-one needs the upset of seeing Berry storming out over a penis-based misunderstanding. As Lemon says “Most women like to look at my penis. I’ve got a really nice penis. It’s right smooth like a dolphin’s beak.” They do get it sorted out though after he tells her that he’s more sorry “than Ronan Keating where he wrote that song where he said that he was sorry and that’s all he could say but he said more things, I know, because it was a full song.”

Not porn

Apparently, Berry was 76% angry with Lemon that the workout has become a soft porn debacle.  Lemon replies that he knows what soft porn is but doesn’t know what a debacle means. I’m bringing it up because I wanted to mention the word ‘porn’ as often as possible for Search Engine Optimisation purposes.  ‘Porn’ is the eighth most popular search term that leads people to CLCW, you know. Jordan’s pinktastic workout led to me repeatedly saying the word like I was suffering from a bout of oddly specific Tourettes.

Also not porn

Hi guys! While I appreciate that CLCW might not be exactly what you ‘porn’ searchers are after, it’s nice to have you all here, anyway. Sorry about your mum putting parental controls on your laptop. Here’s a picture of Deanne Berry’s arse:

Similar to porn. Still not porn though.

Difficulty Level

Although few of us can dare to aspire to have a body like Lemon’s – Berry describes it as a ‘natural dancer’s body’ - this DVD does attempt to penetrate the mysteries of exercise so that they can be understood by scum like us. Lemon’s best tip concerns speed walking where he advises us to walk as though we have a pickled onion clenched between our butt cheeks that we don’t want to drop.

He also recommends jumping over your sofa three times a day for great cardio.

Would I do this Workout again?

It’s a possibility. Particularly if I want to brush up on my swingball technique or gain some more insight into how to “Run a lamp post. Walk a lamp post.”

Run a lamp post

Walk a lamp post.

Run a lamp post

Walk a lamp post.

Shit. Another lamp post.

Camilla Dallerup – Camilla’s Cardiodance Workout

Strictly Come Dancing and Celebrity Workout DVDs are frequent bedfellows. Probably not just bedfellows. More likely frequent, enthusiastic, downright kinky sex buddies.

You couldn’t throw a brick at a Strictly Come Dancing Reunion All-You-Can-Eat buffet lunch without bruising half a dozen C-List Celebrity Workout alumni. Particularly if Gabby Logan, Penny Lancaster, JessieWallace, Natalie Cassidy, Ali Bastion and Fern Britton were all clustered round the chocolate fondue a comfortable brick-hefting distance away.

Camilla in her day job

It stands to reason that if the galumphing celeb contestants can release a dancercise workout then the Strictly Come Dancing professionals must be eminently qualified to instruct and inform us humble plebs. I reviewed ‘Strictly Come Fit Dance Dancey Fit Dance’ some months ago which featured three of the pro dancers. In this DVD, Camilla Dallerup is flying solo. I would continue the sex analogy but we all know how that’s going to end up.

Camilla and her former partner Brendan Cole represented Great Britain in 2007’s Eurovision Dance Contest, incidentally. What do you mean you didn’t know there was a Eurovision Dance contest? You know people like you are the reason it got cancelled after only 2 years due to a “serious lack of interest”.

Britain’s representatives from left to right:  Dane, New Zealander.

Sections on this DVD include a Warm Up,  – which Camilla delightfully pronounces “Worm Up” throughout –Jive Kick Calorie Burner, Booty Blitz and Latin Combat. “Who says you can’t dance and punch at the same time?” asks the DVD blurb. I don’t think anyone’s ever said you can’t to be honest. I’m not sure anyone’s really felt the need. There’s a section called “Core Fusion” which trainer Steve Richardson gets to be in charge of. Because Camilla doesn’t want to be the bad guy, presumably.

Don't mess with the Steve

The workout is a bit light on DVD extras. We barely even get an introduction before we’re plunged into the Worm Up. I’ve clearly been spoiled by other celebrities. A workout just doesn’t feel complete these days unless it’s accompanied by a poorly explained diet plan, a ‘making of’ documentary and some in-depth interviews with a celebrity, their trainer, the chief sound engineer and the lady who designed the leg warmers.

And the lady who does Camilla's hair, of course.

Best Bit

Camilla has an uncanny resemblance to Kylie Minogue. If Neighbours ever want to bring Charlene back without waiting for Minogue to find a window in her calendar, then Camilla would be the very girl to play her. I have no idea if Camilla can act but I am pretty certain that isn’t one of the criteria for getting a part in Neighbours. They could explain her Danish accent by saying that Charlene had a stroke and woke up speaking with a different accent because that’s an actual thing. 

Uncanny

Worst Bit

Tiffany is the “Watch if you want the easy version” member of Camilla’s dance troupe. It would seem that the easy way to do Camilla’s dance moves is to always keep your arms by your side like you’re performing Riverdance. It doesn’t help a great deal to be honest.

Difficulty Level

At the beginning of the Jive Kick Calorie Burner section, Camilla says “We’ve got some jive moves in here and a bit of twist. So you probably know a lot of the dance steps already.” I fear she may have massively over-estimated my dance expertise.

The dance workouts aren’t hard to do, particularly, but they do involve a lot of quick changes between moves that Camilla expects you to recognise even though I’m sure they don’t exist anywhere outside this DVD. “And now, Charleston Run!” That’s not a thing, Camilla! You just made that up.

Particularly favoured by the gentlemen, that one.

Would I do this workout again?

I doubt it. I mean, sure Camilla, you showed me the magical world of Latino dancing combined with boxing but I feel that just isn’t enough for me any more. I want to mix new types of dance and violence. Salsa stabbing, for instance. Or Baroque beheading.

This looks promising.

We're all going on a Summer Holiday!

The staff at C-List Celebrity Workouts are off on their annual Summer Holiday and will be back on 18th August. Yes, you'll have to wait until then for the next offering of Fitness Instruction brought to you by someone whose talents lie entirely elsewhere. Assuming they have any talent at all, that is.

So where are we off to? The exotic, sun-soaked stairs of The Miami?

 

Or the Fitness Instructor-owned ecotourism resorts of Jamaica?

Or the technicolor seashores of Florida?

Well none of them - we'll be in Venice. But I don't have a corresponding workout just yet. Perhaps Francesco Borgato - Venice's most famous pop star - will film a dance workout filmed by the Grand Canal.

That would certainly be a dream come true for everyone.