Sunday, 11 March 2012

Geri Halliwell – Geri Yoga

This is the first of two yoga workout DVDs by Geri Halliwell - pop sensation, novelist, UN ambassador and, most significantly, former ginger person.

Her yoga instructor is Katy Appleton who radiates calmness and serenity to such a concentrated degree that I suspect she’s hypnotising us all through the television screen. It is entirely possible that she made me deposit large sums of money into her bank account and I have no memory of it at all.

Do just as I tell you and everything will be fine.

They are also joined by Tina. Tina is Katy’s silent sidekick. I was going to include a Jay and Silent Bob reference here but after reading every Jay quote on IMDB, I’ve realised that there’s not one thing that’s repeatable. I’m trying to keep this blog PG or at least relatively free of sweary bestiality and incest references. Tina’s role, incidentally, is to show us the easier versions of the yoga moves. They mostly keep her hidden at the back.

Geri talks rubbish throughout, of course, telling us about her grandmother’s varicose veins, how she feels fizzy and fuzzy and that it’s OK to have love handles. I’ve decided there’s probably no point in complaining about celebrities wittering on in their workout DVDs. Presumably when people buy celeb workouts it’s because they want to hang out with that particular celebrity. (Unless like me they just plan to mock). People who follow Halliwell or Windsor or Humperdinck or whoever and read about them in “Heat” and watch them on “Daybreak’ would be pretty disappointed to buy a workout DVD where the celeb was entirely mute. The banter is part of what you pay for.

The whole thing for your delectation.

As far as the workout itself goes, yoga seems great and interesting and fun and everything. I’m not sure it’s something you can learn from a DVD, though. It’s certainly not something you can learn from this DVD. We are told that this workout is suitable for anyone and yet a certain amount of knowledge on our part seems to be assumed. We’re just glibly told to adopt “the child pose” for example. Obviously, we can see what it involves by watching Geri and Silent Tina but a bit of instruction wouldn’t have gone amiss.

A problem I’m going to have with reviewing a new Celebrity workout DVD each week is following the instructions on the television while trying to do the workout itself. Even Michelle and Dax’s patiently explained floor stretches last week almost resulted in a cricked neck while I tried to watch what they were doing while simultaneously keeping my back and shoulders straight.

This is an especial problem with Geri Yoga. So many of the moves seem to involve me facing down on the floor and/or having my eyes closed. This can make following instructions on a DVD that bit trickier. I kept finding myself with my face squished into the carpet hearing Katy tell me to “then move your arms back like so”.
“Back like what, Katy?” I’d ask. Or more accurately, “Bmmph lkmmmph wmmph Ktmmph?”

Difficulty Level.
4 out of 5.
Oh, this was insanely difficult. Or rather 70% of this was fine and easy and involved keeping still and breathing and being aware of your feet and stuff. The other 30% was hard. And this is based on what Silent Tina (our Follow-Her-If-You’re-A-Beginner lady) was doing. Geri was standing on her own head, sticking her feet behind her ears, yogic flying and, quite possibly, moving her left ear and right ear independently of one another. I didn’t attempt to go there.

Beginner Level Moves from Silent Tina

Weirdest Bit
Geri has a totally different idea of yoga dress code to Katy and Tina. While the others favour baggy trousers and vest tops, Geri goes for the “Looking like I left the house in my underwear” style of workout wear. I understand that Geri is proud of the way she looks. And sometimes, we’re told, “skin on skin” helps to maintain a pose. Geri’s showing an awful lot of skin though. I hate to be a prude about these things but there was rather more inner thigh on view than I was entirely comfortable with.

Just ignore the folded up woman behind me.

Worst Bit
The Music. Seriously, I’m 3 workouts in and every one of them has had the same sort of plinky-plonky lift music. You know in Sims 1, where if your Sim bought a radio they could choose to play “jazz” or “pop” or “easy listening” and they all sounded like “dee dee dum dum de der [repeat]”. That’s what all of these workout DVD have sounded like so far. Gyms and aquarobic classes in real life always play proper pop tunes. I appreciate that buying the rights to a bunch of pop songs for your DVD is probably prohibitively expensive compared to getting some guy to spend two hours composing kerplunketty keyboard sounds. Geri’s a pop singer though. I hope nobody bought this DVD hoping they were going to bend and stretch and pretend to be a tree to “Lift me Up” or “2 becomes 1”.

Best Bit
The Cool Down. On so many levels.

The first time I listened to it, straight after doing the exercise, I kept my eyes closed throughout. It was lovely. “My [insert body part] is relaxed” Katy would tell me to tell myself, and lo, it was so. She’s a witch, I tell you. Burn her.

Then I watched it again for the purposes of the blog – eyes open this time. It’s even more amazing with the visuals. And not just because everyone’s put a jumper on. I love Geri’s massive cream fleece paired with her pair of black pants and nothing else.

But that not even close to being the best bit...


How pretty is he? And how relaxed. The little dude’s on the back of the DVD but no other mention is made of him. I love how he’s chilling out with Geri (who I’m guessing is his live-in lady) and her crew. Look...


I haven’t been scoring the DVDs overall. Maybe I should. Geri would get top marks just because of Buster here.

Would I do this again?
Well no, probably not this yoga DVD. But I’ll probably do yoga of some sort again so that’s something.

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