Sunday, 8 December 2013

Festive Workouts

Wait, there are two Santas? How is that even possible?

You can hardly have failed to notice by now a little smattering of something festive in the air. 

Shops are playing Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is you" on a continuous loop, John Lewis are playing your heart strings like a fiddle and money is cascading out of your bank account with a will seemingly all of its own.

Christmas is coming! Don't try and fight it!

Christmas is the perfect opportunity to drop any kind of pretence about giving a fuck about exercise and slip into a comfortable fug of Quality Streets and TV compilation shows.

Not so for some crazy fools on the internet, however. For some people, apparently, Christmas is just synonymous with fitness workout.

First off, there’s John Chase Bolingbrook’s “12 Days of Christmas” where a man in comedy antlers takes us through a festive themed workout where the likes of Lords-a-leaping and Swans-a-swimming are replaced with Prisoner Squats and Medicine Ball Goalies.

How Rudolph prepares for the big night.

He doesn’t sing it which is a missed opportunity, I feel.

Next we have Ms. Lynn's “Shape It Up Christmas Workout!!” And yes, those exclamation marks are all her own.

Ms Lynn clearly likes to add a little drama to the proceedings by having her crew walk off on her resulting in a frantic cry of “Where ya going? Wait for me!” that’s not quite Oscar-worthy.

It moves swiftly onto a dance workout to “Jungle Bell Rock” taking place in what is presumably Ms Lynn’s back garden which is liberally festooned with inflatable snow globes, polar bears and a life-size effigy of Father Christmas sitting on a  chair.


Except it turns out it’s not an effigy after all! After remaining motionless for the entire workout, Santa then gets up and wishes us a happy Christmas. It’s just like “Saw”. Or that horror movie with Danielle Lloyd and the life-size Clown doll.

Santa puts in another appearance in Home Physique’s Christmas workout. At first I was a bit sceptical that it was the real Santa what with all the weight-lifting and shouting “Ho ho ho Motherfuckers!” and all but then at the video, Santa tells us to “Have a laugh and be grateful that you’re here, know what I mean?” and to be fair, that sounds like exactly what the big guy would say.

The ‘Christmas Winter Workout’ consists of a bunch of young men doing pull-ups in a snowy landscape – all with no shirts. I have no idea why they do this, but I for one am not about to judge them.

Well at least his head won't get chilly.

Not least because this was the only one of these videos where there didn’t seem to be any expectation of me joining in.

Which, at this time of year, is about as sporty as I plan to get.

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